First day impression.

IT SUCKS! For crying out loud man. After looking at my class schedule, it gets even worst and worst. Everyday is pack with classes from 8 till 6. Well not all the class till 6. STILL! Oh geez. Like just now, it was Halal Practice class. The lecturer gave a little hint of our topic this semester. We got seven chapter and everything is hard as hell. HELL! Unfortunately, I can't complain. I have to work hard on it. I know I've promised dad. I can't let him down this time. Oh and, yesterday, I've talked to dad. I asked him about me going to Korea during this semester break. And he said...... YES! Oh my god, thank you so much ayah! Got greenlight. So I've already calculated my expenses this semester and I have to cut down some few things to make sure I don't waste a lot of money. For the sake of Korea. =.=' Well, I guess that's it because I'm inside the library. Feeling a little drowsy right now. Annyeong ^^



Annyeong ^^
Happy Saturday everyone :) Today, again, so tired. I have to wake up early and send my dongsaeng(little brother) to register for his license and then send my hyung(big brother) to a motorcycle shop to get his bike back. Supposedly, today my family planned to go to Sunway. Mom wanted to get her hands on and iPad but unfortunately because of my sister's annoying attitude, we didn't go out in the end. So me on the other hand got the chance to hang out for awhile with my friends. There was Amier, Raja, Shahrul, Yan, Syazwan, and some other guys. Yup, I was the only girl that time. sigh. Where are all my girlfriends? Again, sigh. But it was fun that I got to meet up with them again after such a long time we didn't meet up.

So what's with the 'Brain-damage' thing?
Okay. When I was chatting with Amier, I mentioned about my birthday in the next few weeks. And on my birthday, there's no free time to celebrate. So I asked them if they have anything in mind. This matter has been on my mind everytime. I get really upset knowing that I have to spend my birthday in Sabak Bernam. SIGH! No matter how, I'll try to give some time for myself. And also I have to remember that I can't spend so much on my student loan. I'm gonna keep some for my travel. Oh you know that's going to happen. I am so going! Tomorrow I'm going to meet up with my aunt and ask her if she would insist to come along. She's good at travelling. She's been in Europe a lot. So why not ask her to travel around Asia? Especially it's spring season during this April in Korea. Ahh, flowers everywhere ^^ I have to think about this clearly and plan this very well.

" Ya Allah, bantulah hamba-mu ini kecapi impian ini. Bukakanlah pintu rezeki ku untuk ke luar negara. Amin."

Well, I guess that's all for today. Blog some more later. Annyeong ^^



Ya! Annyeong hasseyo ^^ ottoke dangsineun? haha yeahh. recently I've been learning Korean language. Seriously, it's way fun than Twitter. ahaha jin jja! It means " really! ". I don't know why but I enjoy learning the language. so that next time, I will be watching korean dramas without subtitles. haa kau hado? hehe. Keurom, I think that's all for today. Pretty much right now I have no idea what to right about. teehee. Goodnight!

Annyeong ^^



Annyeong ^^
teehee, I'm not asleep yet. Well, I'm about to. Actually lah, malam nh takde idea nak post ape. Tapi nak update jugak sbb dah lama tak update *cehpadahalbaruberapahariupdate. Jadi, tinggal lagi 2 minggu of semester break then kembali ke hutan belantara menuju kejayaan. Tapi yang aku nak cerita nh, agak lah tak disenangi bila di ingat balik. Masa berapa hari sebelum cuti, aku pernah ckp dkt mbe aku (Kina) yang aku nk keje cuti sem nh. Konon tak kuasa lah nak duduk rumah sbb nty confirm tido makan tido makan jea. Sekali, haa amek kau. Memang tuh jelah keje aku cuti nh. Awal2 cuti, dok pumpang pumpang dgn ayah ckp nak keje. Tapi, tuhlah, nk keje transport takde. Susah nak keje transport takde doh. Dengan senang hati, aku duduk lah rumah melakukan kerja2 housekeeping dan kitchen stuffs sepertimana aku belajar di college. Apakan daya, tak dpt income pon takpe. Dapat pahala. Aiseymen! Did I just said that?! ahahah diam ah. Best ape duduk rumah. Aku banyak luangkan masa dgn piano dan guitar dan Juno dan juga korean drama aku yang tiada kesudahannya. hehe. ADDICTED okay? Lately duduk rumah asyik tido lambat and of course bangun lambat. Standard lah tuh en. Dkt rumah sewa aku, mana ade nye nak tido pukul 2/3/4. Selalu tido pukul1. Awal lah tuh. Skrg mmg pukul 4 tido, sampai aku sedar mak aku dah bangun subuh. Alang2 subuh sekali lah Tasha oi. Of course lewww. Ermm, nh yang part aku taknak ckp tp nk ckp jugak nh. Aaaa, sedar tak sedar harinh dah 041211. No clue? Kalau mcm tuh, taknak lah cerita. Dah takde ape dah nk ckp pasal bnde nh. Well, I guess thats all lah kot.


kamsahamida ^^


Let's talk about babies :)

haha okay. I know this might sound weird but yeah. I was sitting on my laptop and I'm having thoughts about how my baby would look like. But of course, what makes a great baby must be a good husband, right? hehe. I think I wanna stick to being choosy at this matter. Like, my husband's personality. Of course I wanted a musician. Maybe a guitarist, not just an amateur guitarist but a really ass kickin' guitarist. Or maybe a pianist. Or both and is really good at singing. Somehow, my husband doesn't need to be so friggin rich. I was hoping for a modest, humble, smart, lovable kinda husband. The one that always remember that his family must come first. Knows how to protect his family. And hell jyeah, we'll teach our children to play music as well. And I like Asian guys. Ones with very small eyes, fair and just, straight hair, tall and of course, muscles. *melting. haha! I'm gonna find one. If I'm not gonna find one, then I'll stay single for the rest of my life. okay, kidding. With this kinda husband I've described, the results would turn out to be like this baby ;so cute right? yeah, that's what I wanted. I'll teach my baby to become a better person. If my baby's a boy, I would teach him to be a gentleman. To never break a woman's heart. And if my baby's a girl, I'll teach her to be and admirable woman. No need to show her skin to get attention but to show her humble and attractive personality.

I can dream, can't I? ;p


Destination : Johor Bahru

hyee! so currently I'm at Johor Bahru. My uncle just got engaged here. Everything went well. My first day here, I got the chance to meet my old friend, Tuah. We've known each other from Myspace till now. He's changed tho. After 2years I haven't met the guy. He even said that I've changed. haha. People changed. Normal thing. And just now we had a family dinner at this kedai makan that serves ' kacang poll '. Its this food that serves 'roti bakar not-so bakar with butter' and eat with this sort-of corny dog sauce. Bashkita(yummy in Korean)! But now, I'm back to being hungry again. Erghh. So not cool right now. Basically, we all don't go around that much. Everybody's busy watching football. Again, erghh. Hm, so I guess that's all about today. dasi da-eum sigan chamjo!

안녕 ^^


i know its almost 6am. I'm like so addicted to this korean drama. I don't even fucking know why all of a sudden i'm into korean dramas. weirdo. hm, I was about to share something this morning. This sudden feeling I have. I feel like letting it out. so here is the only place where I'm comfortable sharing it. So, my exam is almost over. One more paper left. During these days, it's been quite a rough day. So many things I had in mind, especially the thought of that guy. I know. I can't stop talking about him am I? as days are almost closer to the end of semester, I have this thought, " what would happen to us after this? maybe we would both go separate ways for good and start getting busy with our lives? " aku igt, this one time, once kawan die pernah mentioned " apa akan jadi dgn korang lepas nh? Die dah habis belajar, and kau masih dkt situ..." well, something like that. yeah, aku tgh fikir lah jugak nh. Sometimes, i feel like, there's this little tiny chances that we're going to be just fine, but 99.99% of my consciousness says, there will be no 'us'. And come to think of it, mungkin selama harinh, he wasn't actually talking about me. Maybe it was someone else. Someone that he wanted. Someone that can make him really happy, and maybe, the person isn't me. Reading whatever he posts, the first two seconds I was smiling, and then, I realized that it wasn't meant for me. Perasan lebih, kan? After all, life is no fairy tale or not like any of these korean dramas. This is the real deal. I'm, just...nothing. There's no way that there's one guy who would run towards me and hugs me or even remembering the memories yang kita dah lalui atau pun, text me " I love you " to make sure that I know that he wont leave, big time. Bullshit lah semua tuh! It's time I face reality. Maybe I can never forget, tapi aku akan senyum setiap kali aku teringat semua kenangan2 tuh. If he's happy with the person that makes him happy, I'll be happy for him too. Because you're the reason I smile back then. And I'm glad that knowing you wasn't my biggest mistake, at all. :)

Fighting, R.A!


"If you wanna push my heart away,
I would just prefer you push me off the cliff."


p/s ; I Love You

I don't know why am I still talking about this. Everything starts back again. Even though it's been awhile I tried to let go of the past. I mean, how can I rejoice for the future when my past still lives in the present. So here I am again. Blogging about 'The One That Got Away'. Chances of him coming back is very slim, still I wanted him to come back. Ensuring him that this time I'm working so hard, really hard to fix things. 'Broken things can be mended', with a lot of effort. I smiled at times, and I cried behind those smiles. I get really upset that he just doesn't realize how big my love for him. Maybe he thought it was just some typical love. The ones that stays and go. People have been telling me that my too-much effort haven't been paid off. Ask me why I'm still talking about it. I tried to be stronger and stronger each day. But actually, I've been strong enough to hold on to you. I don't care if I can't be the first. Even if I'm the last woman on earth, it won't even bother me. I really miss the time when I go to sleep, I would snuggle my pillow with a smile, knowing that there is actually someone out there that really love me. And when I woke up in the morning, and it was still real to me. Now that things have ended, I would only wish this is just some nightmare to me. Eventually, I'm not sleeping and the nightmare keeps going on. It gets even tougher and tougher. My heart is almost at it's stake but I'm still pushing myself to be this way. I just don't know why. I'm so lost right now Y_Y


Bukan selalu...

00:45, dgn selamba aku keluar rumah tanpa izin ayah atau mama. Muadz tgh tgu dkt tepi tadika dalam kereta viva die berserta rakan2 lain ( Amier, Raja dan Mamat ).

Aku : weyh kite nak g mane nh?
Muadz : nak g jmpe eqa lah. aku lama tak jmpe eqa.
Aku : haa kau serious? aku duit tak meriah sgt nh.
Muadz : alah, sorg 2rm dah lah.
Aku : okay, ape2 jelah.

Jalan jalan jalan, sampai dkt G-Hut sec7. Shisha situ terbaik. Sampai jea sana, nampak eqa tp die tak nmpk ktorg. padan muka aku buat prank call kt kau eqa. hehe. then bertapa lah ktorg dkt situ, borak2, main card, borak2, sesi luahan perasaan dan sesi kuat perasan. Lama2 jadi bosan sbb asyik duduk. Punggung pun dah panas so ktorg gerak ke tempat lain pulak. Teringin nak main balik skate, nasib baik Muadz bawak deck die. Berluncur lah saya mcm pro malam tuh *___*' Supposedly, I had to meet someone last night. Dahrul, my ex when I was in Form3. It's been such a long time we haven't seen each other. So dok call2, text2, die tak sampai2 di lokasi. Hujan pon dah membasahi pipi *wtf =.=' then terpaksa lah gerak balik. Tak dpt jumpa pon Dahrul. Next time aite? :) So, here's the best part of it all. As expected, mesti sampai rumah pukul 4lebih.

Aku : Muadz, agak2 boleh tak sampai rumah aku pukul 430?
Muadz : boleh bolehh.
Aku : okay.

Aku dpt rasa yang mak aku bangun awal. yelah, bangun subuh ye dok. Aku yeye igt kunci adik aku dah letak dkt2 dgn pintu so senang nk capai. Haa amek kau, skali aku bukak sliding door tepi pintu, TAKDE! dead dead dead. Aku pon pegi lah lagi satu sliding door nak capai kunci yang tergantung2 berdekatan situ. Seriously say, kalau aku jadi mak/ayah aku, bunyi kt bawah time tuh mcm ade org tgh pecah rumah (aku lettewww). Dgn bunyi grill gung gang gung gang. Pastuh tak tahan, bunyi kunci masuk dkt door knob, bapak bising! Okay, bukak pintu, masuk, tutup pintu. Naik atas slow2, pandang bilik parents. GOD! Asal dorg dah bukak lampu!!!????? Dah nak sampai depan pintu bilik aku, kepauuooo AYAH BUKAK PINTU DIE!

Ayah : uihhh! *terkejut. Awak dari mana nh??
Aku : haa? dr bawah lah..
Ayah : dr bawah mane?
Aku : angah kt bawah lah td tgk tv.
Ayah : yeke? asal td ayah turun takde pon awak kt bawah?
Aku : *deaddeaddead bila ayah turun?
Ayah : baru jea td. ayah turun tgk tv. awak tak perasan?
Aku : angah dkt dpn rumah td dgn kawan2.
Mama : yeke awak nh angah? ke awak keluar??
Aku : ya Allah, angah duduk dpn rumah jea main card, borak2.
Mama : kawan awak tuh dtg naik ape?
Aku : ermm, naik kereta lah.
Ayah : asal ayah tak dgr pon bunyi kereta? senyap jea?
Aku : die parking dkt depan tadika tuh.
Ayah : asal die parking situ? taknak ayah dgr?
Aku : yelahh. angah ckp kt die jgn bising sgt.
Ayah : awak dah pandai dah nk merayap malam2 en.
Aku : ishh, mane ade lah. adoi

Terus masuk bilik tukar baju, buat muka watlek, tidur. Sumpah coverline aku mcm bodoh en? Tapi nasib baik lepas. aha. cuak doh. Tido tak tenang. So pagi td ayah kejut aku, aku terus bangun. Die suruh masak, aku masak. Die suruh aku pegi kedai, aku pegi. Bodek balik =.=' hehe. So itu jelah cerita best minggu nh.

Anyways, I had so much fun with my friends last night. Thanks to my baby Eqa, Amier, Muadz, Raja and Mamat. :') Gambar nty gua upload!


Back to memory lane...

first of all, thanks Kakna for spending your time with me today. Eventho it wasn't that much but I enjoyed it. I went to her house today. She wanted me to teach her play guitar. She's like trying her ass off playing 'California King Bed' by Rihanna and she keeps repeating " how come when i...How come when i..." haha. kesian die. Me? Oh, I was on the laptop. Chatting with a friend, sharing about her love life and turns out to be on the same boat as i do. Then, at 6 oclock, I went out with my cousin for ice cream. Then I decided to drove back to a place where i can never forget, Laman Tasik Budaya, Shah Alam. I know i shouldn't go there but I wanted to show my cousin the place. So to be more specific, we went to the hut where me and 'the guy' sat. Our signature on the hut's floor was scratched. Then I went to the rocks, and it is still there, just a little blurry tho. And I showed to my cousin how 'it' happened. I immediately turn into silence. Kakna giggled and said, " takpelah angah. ade yg lebih baik utk angah. jgn putus harapan. angah bukannya tk cukup bagus. nak kata angah tak cantik, cantik. alahh, jgn risau lah..." my thoughts straightly went back to normal. we walked to our car and drove back to my cousin's house. Took my beg and ready to went back home. I drove alone. I turned the radio volume to 17. All of a sudden, "With You" by Chris Brown played on the radio. I burst into tears! And, thank God I didn't hit anyone. Wiped my tears and I went, " what the fuck is wrong with you tasha? Fuck!" I know. Pretty stupid. So I stopped by the road, relax, cooling myself down, and off to the road.

Do you know why I suddenly burst into tears?
Because I realized, that for even how long I have to wait, he is still never coming back. He had found the girl that he wanted. The girl he called " She's half of me". It happened when I was at the Tasik while I was walking towards my cousin's car. I was twittering and he tweeted that to a friend telling that his gf is his half. Obviously, she is the one. and I was nothing back then.

Ewn, I was never in progression. I was only in denial. I pushed you away in the hopes of you see that I can be strong without you but all I wanted you to know, that is the moment when I really needed you the most. Things turned out to be wrong when we started talking recently. I shouldn't have talked to you. It made me too carried away. There was I again, thinking that maybe I would still have a chance with you. I'm sorry.



Remains the same.

kenapa lagi nh, Tasha?
Mane ade ape2. Aku okay jea kan.
Ishh, sumpahhhh.
Nak nipu tak jadi. Kau kenapa ha?
Ey, aku ckp takde ape kan.
Kau jgn nk tipu aku. cpt cerita!
Hm, takdelah. Aku igt benda nk berubah tp sama jugak. Bodoh gak aku g terbawak2 bnde nh...
Haa, nh mesti pasal...
Haa tuhlah tuh. Dahlah. Aku malas nk cerita lah pasal bnde nh. Small matter jea. Forget it.

*cakap sorang2 actually


Hari Raya AidilAdha.

sumpah mabuk aku online dlm kete nh. pandang screen. err loya loya! tp still nk update blog jugak. hehe. so esokkan as uolls know adalah hari raya aidiladha. nh otw nk pegi rumah opah. aww, rindu opah. dgr cerita opah nk masak rendang ape bagai. can't wait for that one! wuuhuuu... tp rasanya ayah nh drive nk pergi shah alam dulu. singgah rumah maklong. kakna, guitar baru kau tuh jaga2 lah. kejap lagi angah nak bantai. hehehe. eh, raya haji dpt duit raya tak? rasa mcm nak mintak tp kang nmpk bodoh pulak org lain tak mintak aku gatal nak mintak. hmm... okay2. pening datang balik. bye uolls!
" Something only we know..."

Kite cool kan?

Yeahh, cool jelah. Malam td ade terhantuk kt mana2 tuh yg tibe2 dpt flashback bukan2. Ter 'fly'. haha. Harinh Alhamdulillah lebih baik dr beberapa jam yang lalu. hehe. celik mata pagi td terusss pegi duduk depan piano mendendangkan lagu kesukaan Juno. " Juno suke iyee kite main lagu Kiss The Rain utk Juno? atotototototo " :') dan satu harinh dok mengadap laptop jea. mandi pon belum actually. so sbb td tataw nk buat ape. Facebook dkt laptop, Twitter dkt phone tp dua2 takde org nk tegur pon. SIGHH! jadi aku pon bukak lah wall aku. saje nk tgk older post dan older dan makin older to the oldest. tergelak2 aku baca sorg2 conversation aku dgn si Shakeyna Nurul. "haha.KINA! behave!" kina reply : "Tasha! BEWARE! hahaha" . ROFLMFAO! sumpah lawak Kina nh. bongok2 jea kite sem lepas kan? tak. sem nh pon still bongok2 jugak. hehe. cepat jea hati aku terubat kan? insya Allah berkekalan senang hati mcm nh. Taknak lah aku sedih2. penat doh, sumpah penat. Nak menangis pon air mata bukannya nk keluar pon. hati jea yg tak tenteram. mungkin sbb aku tak mandi kot semalam! alamak. kk, harinh aku nak mandi! rasanya nk bawak Juno mandi skali. busuk lah budak tuh. gewaammmm! ^^ okay, penat fikir ape nk type, penat jari nak men-type. kang panjang2 juling pulak kau nk baca. kbye uolls <3


Breakdown, again?

I'm losing myself again. I let myself lose. :'(
Why can't I be strong? I know I can.
But tonight, seemed wrong.
Things have changed. He's changed.
Why can't I accept that??
Why am I being this way?
All of a sudden my heart falls to the ground.
I can't even reach to pick it up.
It gets even harder and harder.
The feeling of knowing...
That time can never turn back around.
But still, I refuse to let myself free.
I bounded myself with losing, hopeless, faithless...
Wishing that things could go back to the way it used to
It's never gonna happen! Snap out of it will yah!!?
Please :'(
My heart isn't that strong. Don't torture yourself , Tasha.
Let him go.
Let him go.
Please :'(

It should be, but unfortunately...

hye. so, today is the 3rd November and tomorrow? Yes. The 4th. hmm. Well, it should be me and my ex's 7 months anni but yeah, 'ex'. So I wanna write about it. The first time I went out celebrating monthsary with him. We went out to Sunway. He took me to Baskin Robin for my favourite ice cream. And then we went to Asia cafe. Played foosball with him. Then took pictures in his car, videos. And then we went to Tasik Budaya Shah Alam. Took a walk there. The place where he proposed. Then met his friends there. Sat by the lake watching little turtles. hm. I wished we would still be together. If we do, we're already 8 months. Well, I'm still like this when he now has a girlfriend. Too much luck for me, I guess. Let's just let the time flies. Someday, I'll even forget what the 4th to what month really means to me. :')

Happy it-should-be 7 months, r.a.


Who am I? :)

okay, this would be very verrryyyy long. hehe. hye! as uolls know, I'm Natasha. The most outstanding*eceh. So let's start. I was born on the 9th of January. Those who had seen my baby pictures they thought I was some chinese kiddo. even now they said the same thing. yupp, i'm a mixture of bugis and chinese. I have 5sibs. The first is my brother, I'm the second, my brother, a sister and another brother. I'm close to my brother, Akem. He taught me how to play guitar, smoke weed =.=' I spend more time with him because he understands me well. I have my mom, my dad. The ones that completes every family tree. Friends? Countless but these are the best ; Eqa Mazhar, Shakeyna Nurul, Natasha Razak, Amier Nasir, Siti Nur Abilah. Enemies? Hmm, dont try to be one. You'll be sorry. Currently I'm furthering my studies in Diploma Hotel & Catering management. I enjoy learning this shit. But I'm not enjoying where my college is located. Sabak Bernam =.=' pfftt. Relationship status? Single and loving it. I broke up with my last ex somewhere in July 2011. So much for his " I love you, I miss you " what-so-ever. Right now, I'm just keeping myself busy with my studies. Boys? Just for fun :) I'm a smoker. A very heavy one. Dunhill's my favourite. But I can go with anything actually. I smoke weed once. That's when my brother asked me if I wanna try. Bodoh akem. That's the last of it. Not gonna try anymore. I don't hangout that much. I prefer the walking alone at the park or going to a calm place where there's no noise. The huha huha, err, not so much. I'm not the sexy kinda girl. I don't go out wearing hotpants/sleeveless outfit etc. I like jeans and tees. Simple as that. I'm short in person. 155cm. I'm a skinny ass too. 43kg. I like shopping. Yuh, like every girl does. I'm a handbag collecter. I have tons of handbags in my room. I could even open a store. haha. kiddinggg. I own a cat. The name's Juno. Juno is my baby. I took care of her since she was just a tiny wittle baby :') I don't wear plenty of make ups. Powder, eyeliner, eyebrows done and a dash of lipgloss. I love my hair. I once cut it short. Okay, regretful. No more short hair. I'm not choosy at choosing friends. You wanna be my friend, with honor. You don't wanna be my friend, yeah, with honor as well. Omaigad, suddenly I'm running out of ideas. haha. okay, I think I wanna stop now. kbye


Makin Hari Makin Kebal

hmm, mentang2 lah dah ade broadband skrg. haa mmg aku dok update blog jelah kejenyeww. hehe. so hyee! eh,I'm like so happy that now all my friends are starting to call me Natty instead of Tasha. haha. Brand new person lahh. I'm no longer that frigid little asshole who whines about guys. Shishhh! I know this month has been so rough on me but I'm strong enough to handle it. No biggie, kan? Yeapp :) Actually, I was happy that everything seemed so clear to me. I've seen enough, I've heard enough, I've had enough. In the mean time, let's just play fun. Go around and say hi to random people. Do something even idiots don't do. I think I missed a lot of things already. So I'm thinking that this would be a perfect time to enjoy my single life. Seriously, I know that being single is a little lonely and sad but hey, look on the bright side. Who needs a guy that you can't guarantee they'll be with you forever? I wanna wait for the right guy to come and tell me that no matter what he'll stand by me and also meet my parents. Miahaha. Humorously but seriously say lah. Ganbatte Nat. Things are much better when he's no longer around, kan? haa. The guy is obviously has better taste. He likes decent girls. =.=' pfftt.



ty :)


Walking Towards The Closed Doors.

hey. so here I am, at Shah Alam, at my Mak Long's house and currently on my Kakna's bed. She's sleeping and I'm still awake. I have no one to talk to so I decided to talk with my blog. Hey blog! Sorry I've neglected you for quite a time. Been really busy lately. And I have this little thing that I wanna share with you. So you know the story between me and my ex. Well, pass that one. This one is about that girl once I blogged about. So I was at class and I grabbed her phone. Just to take a little look at my ex's facebook page and see how he's doing. It's just that. Nothing more. So nothing new about him. uh uh and! I knew that that girl is still bbm-ing with my ex. So, curiously I checked her bbm with my ex and as I expected, she's still bbm-ing him. The worse thing happened here is that she told my ex everything about what happened to me when my ex deleted me on facebook. well yeah, considering yourself as a considerate friend? Don't think so. I know that you're trying to become this 'relationship savior' but seriously, I don't need it. We both don't. We're going separate ways and that's just that. If you're thinking that if you had told him everything and he would think " hmm kesian lah pulak aku kt Tasha. " heyy, ain't gonna happen! He has his own life now and so do I. Eventho I see it to be miserable but still, I'm progressing okay? I'm not gonna stay because he didn't. Why waste all my heart to someone who just won't come back? So hunnay, stop being so 'bajet' caring. I don't need you to tell him everything about what had happened to me. He doesn't even care if I'm still alive or dead or married or divorced or having kids or lost one or whatever. HE DOESN'T CARE! ANYMORE! Plus, the way you're doing this just make things worse than before. Maybe later he would see me still being too attached to him when I'm actually not. Seriously, I'm fine for goodness sake. And if otherwise, you don't have to act like you care and you understand my situation. You don't even know me so well so, go to hell. It would be your biggest mistake to know who I really am. and hopefully now you know. I am very pissed off when people trying to act like this. haishh. well I need to get some rest. Really tired. kbai


Big Girls Don't Cry.

hyeee! eeeee i miss my blog! its been so long i havent update this shit. so, here's a little something that i got left off. ridzuan azmi deleted my facebook and finally he already has someone else. what else to say? i'm not good enough i guess. well, wish them both happy. if thats what you think. =.=' so i guess now its my time to shine. gotta get my feet back on track. focus on my studies and get high pointers, insya Allah, kereta datang dgn gembiranya :) Ganbatte Tasha, ganbatte!! \m/


You know, I tried. I tried so hard to put this together. I tried to be different, I tried to be strong, I tried to be mean and wild. Just to run away from the fact that I love this one guy and he's just not coming back. I never wanna stop believing. I never even thought about stop hoping. I have faith for the hundreds and million times I've said already. But then, I realized that no matter how hard it would be, I have to. I saw a picture of a girl with him and all of a sudden my brain stops thinking, my heart starts pumping and my breath couldn't reach out. For 3minutes of blackout, something hit me in the head. " What now? Still gonna wait for him?? " The hurting does get even worse this time and the more it hurts the more I make a big step back. I don't wanna get it right anymore. I don't wanna impress anymore. I guess that girl must be your special someone and I must say that I don't like to interfere people's relationship. Even if I still have this little amount of love for you, I might as well have to throw it away. Accepting the truth that ' Boys will always be Boys '. And you wanna know something R.A, even if it hurts so badly, I don't know why I'm so stupid enough to stay. I don't know why I love you. I just don't know why. :'(


People change, so can I.

I never thought it would be this challenging but somehow facing it is the best way. I've been staying as the same person for many years already. I don't change frequently like any other people do. So recently, this situation happened and I have to toughen up. Set my heart and eyes to something else and not to that one thing I wanted but can never have. Its pretty hard to have friends that tries to stop you from doing the things you do. Okay, actually I'm stuck at thinking. Fuck english! okay mcm nh sebenarnye. aku rasa aku mcm tak tahan dgn perangai aku. bukan kau atau sape2 tapi perangai aku sendiri. Bila kaji diri sendiri, tengok balik rasa mcm foolish. Susah jadi manusia yang setia mcm aku nh. Balik2 nak kat satu laki jea. Asyik2 laki tuh. Macam takde laki lain. Aku tahu mmg ade, ramai, berjuta, berzillion tp malas ah. Menyusahkan. Makan masa. Jadi, cerita die skrg nh, aku kene ubah jugak sikap setia nh. Nak tgk jugak en mcm mane org tuh rasa. grr geram. Takpe. Ketabahan ape sume tuh ade lagi. tak penah2 nak terapkan.This time, things will be different. You won't be seeing the same me again. well hopefully.. =.=' you're wrong to think i can't change. I CAN OKAY! i cut my hair already =.=' whatever it is, i wanna be someone you know i can't be. bukanlah jahat kayss. tapi lain sikit lah. haa gitu kan. dah, penat nk ckp byk2. paham sendiri lah. nk sap kok lu. kbye


September Loves Me.

I almost thought that maybe September would kill me. Having thoughts that maybe I can't survive another month but... hehe, so far I managed to handle it well. Okay, here's the sip. Last Saturday, I went to I-city Shah Alam. He was there with his brother so I thought maybe it's okay for me to stop by and see him. SURPRISINGLY, his mother was there too! maigadd. Thank God I was wearing decently at that time. Trying to impress the mother lah kan. huhu. and then we text and text and text and text. :') I'm happy that we're doing fine even as exes. I've been working my ass really hard on this one. Somehow I still believe that I can change things back to way we were. Didn't I mention before? Yeah. And! Okay here's the #ThatAwkwardMoment in September. Recently I've been having dreams about him. I dreamt that he was sick, he was sweet, he was smiling, blah blah blah, yadda yadda yadda... And like this morning, I dreamt about him again. At 5 in the morning, I woke up and looked at my phone if there's anything. and guess what? I got a text from him. He said " mimpi indah ;) " wadehell..... ==' but it's a good thing tho. it's pretty sweet actually. hehe :') hmm, i guess I'll stop now. I'm running out of ideas eady. kbai


There's a Sun at night?

OF COURSE THERE IS! especially when something really, reallyyyyyyyy good happened :) okay. story from A-Z lah okay?

Pada suatu hari, aku sangat mengikut perasaan marah lalu post ayat ini di Facebook " I HOPE THE NEXT GIRL GIVES YOU HERPES". ingatkan die tak terasa. lalu aku melakukan sedikit penyiasatan melalui orang2 tertentu. hasilnya? okay, die terasa. maigadd! sumpah aku nh kelam kabut. cepat2 cari idea mcm mane nak mintak maaf. asyik hantar text jea. replynye pon idok. maybe by sending him something that MAYBE he could appreciate a little and so I made him a card. I spent 3hours cutting and pasting and cutting and some more pasting and walah! I was too scared to sent right to his face so I ask someone to do the job for me. cuak okay nk taw his reaction. so I gathered all my guts to ask him if he forgives me. aku whatsapp jelah " would you forgive me? " and he replied " :) " you know, some people take this very 'silly-ly' but I dont okay! I was on the couch golek2 giggle sorang like what the hell is wrong with me? right now tgh golek2 giggle2 atas katil pulak. suka hati aku lahhhhh kan. haa. cerita die skrg, I realized that what I did was wrong eventho I hold too many grudge on him because he broke my heart, ignored me, but I have no rights to judge him. I have no rights to tell him these kinda things. I regretted. So I decided to apologize and hopefully things will get back to normal. feuhhhh


Raya 2011

hyeeee uolls ;) Eh, Selamat Hari Raya Maaf Zahir Batin. Sorry lah kalau aku buat salah kt korang. k,dah habis disitu. Harinh dah raya ke2, kan? yelah kot. harinh dah masuk 4hari, kot aku duduk kt kampung dkt pahang nh. 1st raya was the best. Karok dgn cousins, tgk Man Utd vs Arsenal match dkt mamak, lpk teluk chempedak. everything runs well when you have all your cousins around you. HAPPENING! laughing, gossiping. hehe. I'm so gonna miss this year's Raya. because 1: Uncle or so-called-uncle Samuel isnt here to disturb my family again, 2: me and my cousins get to bond even tighter :) even tho aku takde boyfriend nk omey2 di bulan yang mulia dan lagi indah ini, but i have my family :') the best thing ever that no one can offer. Selamat hari raya again guys and have a great one.



So here's the thing :

You know, I get really annoyed with Malay girls these days. You know why? Here's why :

- So I was at Sunway Pyramid with my family for a little shopping. Then I saw this girl. She was wearing a really, REALLY short skirt. Babe, if you happen to have the most drop dead gorgeous legs, I don't mind but seriously, you need to hide those legs honey. Don't show off your ' perfect ' legs to the public especially now its Fasting Month. BULAN PUASA ! Respect lah orang lain bodo. Perempuan apelah kau nh. Pastuh taknak cakap lah make up pulak tebal mane. Kalau letak die sebelah Ronald McDonald, dah nampak mcm sibling taw tak? ishh, pity you. Aku sebagai kaum perempuan malu kot kau keluar mcm tuh. Pastuh dok tergedik2 dgn jantan. Adoi. Memalukan gileww!


If you stay.

I hope he reads my everyday blog because I've been updating about him most of the time. I have to say this again and again, I miss him so much. Boy, I miss you, I miss you, I fucking miss you! Would you please, please tell me if you feel the same way too. Please, talk to me. I hate this solitude silence between us. I miss those " hai cik natasha azlan...", "hyeeee sayangggg....". haishh. I keep hearing it inside my ears, imagining it to happen again. How I love to hear that voice of yours. Especially the time you sang 'Beautiful Monster'. God! You were so good I could just eat you alive! and I miss the time when you surprisingly came to my house, pick me up and take me out. I liked it when people keep telling me, telling you " aww co cweet.." because humorously but seriously say that we both have the same rabbit teeth ==' sweet ape :/ I can't stop thinking about you. I woke up every morning, the first thing in mind was you. Before I go to bed, you were the last thing I thought about. Remembering our stories made me feel better. Remembering the sweet things we do. Breakfast on the beach, vandalism at the park writing our names at the hut we sat, arguing on cigarettes, dating in the library, playing kites, just go around anywhere. I desire you. If I was asked where I wanted to be right now, I say : In your arms. Nowhere else but there. I hate to say this but I want to wait for you, even if it takes a million years for you to change your mind. Starting from you, I don't think I wanna find anyone else because I feel like replacing you is harder than getting over you. Maybe if you've finally moved on with someone else, I would still be standing alone, afraid to let another guy gets into my life and destroys it. I pray that someday, just that one day, you'll remember me as the girl that is willing to stay right beside you at your worst and best times. I'll never stop loving even tho I know eventually I will, but for now, it'll just stay this way. I'll be fine. I love you, Ridzuan Azmi. I'm sorry to even bother you at certain times. A little text from me is how I say " I miss you ". :'(


Imma frigid little bitch.

i can honestly say, he's been on my mind since I woke up today. I look at our photographs all the time. Memories just keep coming back. I start to think about the little things, I'll remember till I cry. Then I decided to take my chances to tell him how I feel about this, and this is what I said :

" I'm sorry that I have to be honest to you tonight. I don't wanna wait a thousand years to be this honest to you. I m
ight as well say it now. First of all, biggest apologies for everything. I mean everything that had happened between us. It's been a month now after our break up. Frankly said, it's been hard for me to go through this especially when we're still seeing each other. I keep recalling memories we created. I went to places we've been to. But slowly I can feel that we're starting to move away from each other. We see each other in college but we have to act like we're a total complete strangers. Ignoring you, ignoring me like we never knew. I know it supposed to be that way, but with you, I can't. Avoiding you is the one thing I can't get away from. I've been trying to get close to you again. I tried so hard but I guess my effort don't paid enough. That's when I realize that I have a lack of effort on you. I easily give up on you. Everytime you're trying to walk away, I didn't stand in your way. I just let you pass by. Just like what happen when you wanted to break up with me. I should've made you stay but instead I let you off. The biggest mistake so far I did to you and I hope somehow I could repay my guilts. I don't ask much from you. I don't wanna know the reason why you wanted us to break. All I wanted to know if all those months we've gone through, was it real or was it just some propaganda couples do. Just so you know, till today, I've never stop loving you. Even if my friends see me hating you, I wanted you to be the only person to know that I don't and never can hate you. I really do love you. If this seemed wrong to you, I'm sorry. I just have to let you know before you move on to another girl's arms. I can't bare to see you with another girl without knowing how I really feel..."

so that's basically what I said to him. I felt much better to just let it all out. I miss him so much :'( I miss those hugs and kisses we share. I miss everything we had. The only prayer I keep is for us to be together again. Why does it has to this hard to move on?! I tried and tried but I can't! I need him. He's all I have :'( I don't want anyone else but him :'(

I Miss You, Ridzuan Azmi. I Love You :'(


We'll Be A Dream.

hye night owls. it's amazing that I'm still awake at 3 o'clock and not giving a shit about waking up early tomorrow when I know that my class starts at 8. it happens all the time. so yeah, its almost 3. friends been asking me why am I still awake. I said " Ado den kesah? " then they would say " -.-' '' sorry guys. i really have no clue. Just now all of a sudden I have this 'rajin' spirit. I'm doing my assignments, decorating my notes. cop, I feel sleepy already. can I skip this? kbye



Paling best shopping pakai duit sendiri. I got to buy the things that I wanted and I don't have to hear my mom yabbling about it. HAHA. SHOPPING SHOPPING!!!! ;D


Why me : Why not you?

it gets even emotional when you're sitting all alone and then you're pushing yourself to think about the past. I know it's difficult to put a side these kinda things. So what if I'm a little frigid? People may see me as a girl that can hold a tornado. I smile, I laugh after breaking up with my ex. Duh, does anyone knows what's happening inside me? Does anyone understand what am I going thru? I guess not. I'm fragile you fuck ups. I might have the tendency to fall apart so badly when dealing with this shit. So I was wondering why me? Why should I be the one that has to cry and blah blah blah yadda yadda yadda and why not you? For once, I would love to know that there's someone out there who would cry and blah blah blah thinking of me. To be precise : thinking about how we used to be. Sweet and lovable. I see myself as loyal person. I stick to that one person I really love because somehow I have the strongest faith in love, even tho on the other hand may not take this seriously. Sometimes, I want to know how it feels to cheat. Having a boyfriend and then at the same time going out with other guys and don't give a fuck what will my boyfriend thinks and say. I want to learn how to be heartless but I'M A HUMAN YOW! Humans have hearts! How can they be heartless? Some can be that way, but like I could. pfftt. See. How tough can I be when I have so much of the sweet side in me. LOL! I mean, seriously say, I can't do that even when I want to. Come to think of it, I have really high believes in Karma. What comes around comes around? Yeah, that one. I don't tend to hurt people. Even when I do, I ask for their forgiveness. Either they want to forgive me or not, who the hell cares. I commit my guilt to them so what to expect. Cut the story short ; I hope one day, just one day, a guy shows up in my life and this time, it ain't a joke. It won't be something I would only smile for a few days or weeks or months. Someone that could bare with my shitty attitude still giving me advice to change. Someone who would appreciate me for being there for him, to love and care for him. To cherish every moment. To wipe all my tears and sorrow and to tell me that the past is just memories for me to laugh about and always remind me that the future would be brighter with his existence. * I didn't really cut it short right? HAHA whatever. That's all. My heart is now written here. So in case you don't have any idea how my heart is doing right now, this is quite enough right? Thanks for reading :')


We'll be doing alright.

hyeeeeeeee bloggers and readers and stalkers ;) i miss blogging. hehe. currently, me and my housemates are watching Flat 3A. me? sibuk online and blogging. hehe. i dont know why but i feel energetic today even when i heard that today's class should be in the morning not in the afternoon. punyelah aku siap awal gila, naik bas awal gila, sampai college jumpe classmate pakai baju biasa, katanya nk pulang. aishh. but i dont want it to bother me so i keep my chin high and start my mood up. i started laughing, dancing with kina. and i dont feel down anymore. i even cooked today! hahahah. unbelievable? you better believe it :) i cooked my dad's chicken curry. aummm ^^ thank God my housemates liked it. hehe. so tomorrow got no class. cuti lah katakan. duduk jelah rumah, tido sampai tak bontot berakar. yayy! haha. hmm, itu jelah kot nk cerita for today. nothing much kan? because my days has been an average day. kan? well, i guess that's all. bye ;)


Saturday's agenda.

Morning-afternoon : okay, the first thing I did was going to Shah Alam for some assignments. Kina and Mai were there too. after all had been settled, I was thinking of seeing him and after some calls that he didn't picked up, his sister answered his phone. she said he was sick. so I decided to stop by to see if he's okay. and I did :) it was a short visit. I had to go out with my family. for SHOPPING!

Afternoon-evening : so there we were at Plaza Alam Central. the place was packed! the crowd was stinky! haha. as always, my eyes caught many things. I saw pwetty shoes, pwetty clothes, everything PWETTY! :'( and Alhamdulillah I got myself one baju kurung and it looks so friggin pretty i can't wait to put em on. all that's left now is my raya shoes and handbag. teehee ;) and there's this one thing me and my brother did I seriously wont forget. we parked our car at the mall then we walked by feet to SACC. tataw lah pulak time tuh nk hujan. tibe2 ha amek lebat nak mampuih! so by sudden dad told me to get to the car and drive it to SACC and pick them up. so aku dan hakim berjalan lah dalam hujan lebat berbumbungkan payung yang kecik dan comel. habis baju lenjun, seluar lenjun, rambut lenjun, beg lenjun, ape pon tak pat. dgn penuh gagah aku dgn adik aku jalan dalam hujan gelak2. it was fun for a second thought :) dalam bulan puasa, this is the most daring day. jalan dalam hujan, lalu sebelah bazar bau sedap2. honestly Allah tested our patience today and Alhamdulillah we did it :)

so i guess that would be it. cherios :)


A Little Bit Lost.

oh gosh, whats wrong with you Tasha? Duhh how should I know! I've been waking up late these few days, I don't wake up for sahur thats for sure, I always miss the bus to college, I go to class looking so fucked up horrible, I took a really long sleep sampai lupa dunia. fuck! and right now, i felt neglected :'( thats the worst part of it. Kina is no longer near me to share stories with, to laugh with, to smoke with. currently I can say I have no close friends, no boyfriends or whatever to keep me company. I'm really relying on Ridzuan Azmi to text me whenever I feel lonely and feeling of a need to talk to someone. But its not like he's around all the time. I feel like crying right now :'( seriously say, i'm already at my weakest point. breaking down down and down. usually this is the moment when all you really need is a hug. Nak hug :'( my heart tibe2 pounding like what the hell kau nh jantung? shishh. honestly I don't understand what am i facing right now. Is this like when I was in Form 2? The phase where I started to lose my grip in life and break down but still stood strong in silence and all of a sudden a person shows up with an intention of accompanying me but in the end happens to be a backstabbing douche? and then I wouldn't careless about what happen and then true friends started to pop up out of nowhere? That's how I go thru during Form 2. quite harsh aint it? I realized that I'm no longer the same person. I've changed a little. I have no idea which part but I can feel it. hmm :( i know it's hard Tasha. But you're so strong. You've gone thru a lot, still you never fall apart. Keep it strong Tasha. Onward and upward. *asyik ckp sorang2 jea aku nh =='


Talking To The Moon.

I guess it's too early to be so happy and all. You know you just hate that feeling when you're almost there but then you realized that you have to turn back. we went back to memory lane. it made me feel like, we can just, go back :'( but now i feel like we can't, again. i got too close to you day by day and the closer i get to you, the more pain i felt. reading your conversations with some particular girls that might be, hmm.. :'( for one second you were the light of my life but then you turned off. what was i thinking? HE WONT COME BACK TASHA! FUCK! JUST LET HIM GO! :'( stop keeping your faith on him, tasha. he just won't come back. you're ugly, you're stupid. WHAT DO YOU HAVE TO PLEASE HIM? NOTHING!! live alone , tasha :'( that's where you're supposed to be. You tried so hard to get back to him, tasha, still he won't be coming back. Let go, tasha. Let go :'(

Anita ckp eh, aku tak ckp

Thanks for the ride home and for taking me out to the bazar walaupon hanya menghidu :')


The one thing you can't deny

I miss you, Ridzuan Azmi. :'(
I save some pieces of my heart for you.
I wished you and I don't have to go thru this stage, again.
I wished time would just go back.
I love you, with all my breaking heart.

Goodbye? Not yet.

so here I go again. starting my late night sobering mood. I mean, why should I feel this way man? get a grip Tasha! why is it so hard for me to let go? the more I tried to let go, the more I get too attached to him. like just now before berbuka, he came to my house. he wanted to open fasting at my house but he had three friends with him so I'm a little bit shy, okay? dgn rumah bersepahnye. atoi. yknow, even tho he treated me like I'm his 'membe2', still I can't get away from that feeling that he is still my boyfriend. cacat kan aku? tak reti2 nak let go. so just now, aku baru habis lepak dgn mbe baru. people called him Ayoi. I think thats how it spelled. main guitar depan rumah, sap kok, borak2 and all of a sudden, cop cop, time tuh aku tgh online pesbuk pastuh aku bukak page Ridzuan Azmi then Ayoi tye, " ehh aku mcm knl jea tuh. mbe2 aku gak tuh". and I went " sewious???" alahai, knl rupanyeww. macikau. then borak2, main guitar buat bising di kejiranan. haha. orang pegi terawih aku buat 'terawih' depan rumah. elok sgt lah tuh. hesh. skrg baru settle assignment yg cukup memberangsangkan, Mathematics ==' baru buat sikit dah tepu otak. tasha tasha. haiseymen... and here's some bad news :

Kina is about to leave me alone :'( this Sunday she'll be going inside, hostel ! sighhhhhhhhhhhhhh

so after this, aku duduk lah dgn jiran tetangga aku. alone, takde geng nk gossip2, main guitar, sap kok tgk cerita Fasha Senduk ptg2. babi ahh. menciwk dowh camniew! :'( ape2 pun, i'll try to have some fun out here. alahh biaselah, starting to get used to living on my own. :) onward and upward tasha. onward and upward I say :)


Fasting Month eady?

yeahhh. and its pretty upsetting that this year i didnt get to sahur and berbuka with my family on the first day of fasting. mom text me just now asking me what i eat for berbuka. i miss mom's cooking during fasting. sorry lah ma kali nh tak dpt buka sahur same. tgulah angah balik k? and i cant wait for raya! halamakkkkkkk. excited lebih. hehe. and and, congrats tasha, this is your 5th year celebrating Ramadhan without a boyfriend. :') hopefully this year Ramadhan will bring more memorable story for me. Onward and upward tasha. Onward and upward I say :)


Againts All Odds.

hye everyone. shit, i really miss blogging. luahan hati lah katekan ;p so currently i'm at my rental house with kina and dhilah. they're wathcing tv and i'm in my room doing this :) so these previous weeks went, emmm, okay i guess. yknow, all of a sudden, i'm into MATHS :D haha. i cant wait for maths class. excited habis. and yeah, here's the part i've been dying to tell. it's about oh-you-know-who guy. At first, we were chatting on WhatsApp. then we started texting. then he came and talked to me. and then we chat again and he came to my house with a nasi lemak and i'm using his calculator. *oh no wonder i'm so into maths ==' but now, i just feel like, i shouldn't be too attached to him. because from what i see, he doesn't seem to have feelings for me no more. but i see that he still cares tho. hmm :/ i don't know what i'm supposed to do. i feel like ignoring him. should i? die pon ignore aku mcm senang jea. so it wouldn't be so hard for me to do so right? skrg nh pon aku dah tak text die, chat dgn die sume. for now, aku kene let go all of those things first. almaklumlah, pointer tinggi kali nh ayah nak belikan kereta. AMIN! :) well, aku rasa tuh jelah kot. nothing much kan? baru dapat online kt laptop harinh. *sigh. takpe. i'll see you guys some other time. till then, chiao :)

xxx, Tasha.


Live from rumah sewa.

hyeeeeeee!!!! omagosh omagosh i miss blogging :'( it's been awhile i haven't update my blog. well duhhh. currently i'm staying in my rental house. so hard to look for internet signal here. so i've been here for 4days already and the house is not bad. i live with 4 more friends. Kina, nudra, yan and mira. and the seniors who live next to us are pretty cool too. its just these past few days i haven't ate a lot. don't ask why. i cant even figure it out. hmm about college? huhh. not any better. i have to bumped into my ex like everyday. You know how it feels when you create too much memories in your college, everywhere you go in there, you'll recall back all those memories. I mean, why does that have to happen? i was more hoping that when i get here, i'll focus more on my studies, but i cant :'( the truth is, it really hurts. when i'm at the library i'll remember this, when i go to the cafe i'll remember that. haiyaaa :'( somehow, people just cant run away from their past even though one day they will, someday it will come back. to be honest, hmm, i still miss him though. everytime he passed by me, i feel like running onto him and hug him and choke him until he dies. okay, KIDDINNN. ==' i miss him so much. actually, i really like to bump into him everyday. i don't care if i dont get the chance to talk to him or make any contacts with him, i'll just look. :') look from afar but close to the heart. PFFFTTTT! whatever it is Ridzuan Azmi, if you're reading this, I still love you. I never hated you even when you break our relationship without any good reason or when you ignore me for many days or when you talk to girls 'gedik2' or just spoiled everything. I don't know why, but i think, i wont go for no one but you. You're just too fucking special to me. Hows that? :)



You Put A Light Into My Life.

TETTTTT! sorry. that person ain't you. its Allah All Mighty. He has opened up my heart. Open it wide to accept fate and to never drag myself into complications. I'm working so hard to let go of the past. Letting bygones be bygones. So just now I was in the car with my family till dad start saying " angah, awak blajo rajin2. " and then mama said " pelik eh. awak banyak A dgn C tp knp tak dpt 3pointer? " i said " kalau dah ade C mmg tak dpt lah 3 pointer tuh ma" and then dad said " awak focus study awak. ayah tahu you can do better. just improve yourself to become better. kalau awak dapat 3pointer ayah belikan lah awak satu kete" i... "hehehehehehehehehehe" dad... " tapi kete second hand jelah. haha " me?..... " hehehehehehehe ". that's all i ever need from you dad. spirit support. for this moment, no boyfriend. no fooling around. yes to flirting some more ;) yes to looking more damn gorgeous. no to serious relationship. and yes to weed. haha kiddinnnn. This time it'll be also about me. Just me and your world tasha. Got a live it well or you just rather be dead. :)


Pleaded Guilty. confession #3

Dear Boys and Girls,
Especially to the ones that we once had a conversation before and currently still. Hye, my name is Natasha and today I would like to come upon to a confession. First of all, I would like to apologize, from the bottom of my heart, from top to toe if there's anything that i did or said that might offended any of you. From exes to nemesis or anyone who has ever hold a grudge upon me. I'm truly sorry :'( There's this moment when I was in the car and I was staring outside the window, all those thoughts of being so unfortunate in relationship came to one point. Me. Take a look back where I did wrong. People say when you got involved in someone's life, you better be nice or you'll take karma everywhere with you. I screwed people's life. I made them hate me. They hated me :'( I'm sorry for being such a bitch all the time. I'm not perfect. I have flaws. I have many scars. I'm not pretty, not sexy. I'm a smoker. I smoke weed, recently. Can anyone tell me who will accept me as I am? Anyone? I guess no one :) How i wish i can live my life on my own. No need to bother about anyone. How I wish it would be that easy :'(


Consider these things, fragile.

you know, things like promises. people make promises and then tend to break it. people used promises as lies. you promise someone something but in the end, you can't grant it. if they cant guarantee you a better future, dont make promises that you can. from what i saw, some people have to go through hard times because of breaking their promises. arguments and misunderstanding and stuffs. promises shouldn't exist i guess. no one can promise you anything. no one can promise you happiness, wealth, health or whatever. so once you made a promise to someone, you better hold it in your hands and make sure you don't let go of it. so is people's heart. eventhough it takes a rock to throw on it to really crush the heart, but words, mann seriously, you dont need a rock then. why is a heart so fragile? because it is consist of feelings. emotions. even if they are invisible, can't be seen nor touched, you'll feel it somehow. when you break your promises, it breaks others hearts. don't try to make this things happen. always remember that we live to rejoice every moment of our lives. have the best of by making people appreciate the things you do for them. you don't think people will appreciate you when you hurt someone right? think about it, just for a second of your upcoming bezillion time.


I Miss You. So Badly Missing You.
I wonder if you feel the same ....


To : Ridzuan Azmi. xxx


Don't Love Me No More.

The phone rang...

Him : hello...
Me : haa hello..
Him : tgh buat ape?
Me : duduk2. td masa you call i dkt toilet lepastuh kemas rumah. skrg tgh packing2.
Him : ohh.. you, i ade something nk bgtaw you.
Me : ape die?
Him : i nk mintak clash..
Me : ....ohyeke. hmm okaylah
Him : hmm okaylah kalau mcm tuh

I quickly turned off the phone before he finished his words.

" I don't know what else to say. If that's what you wanted, then you get it. Promise me you stay out of my life after this. I don't want to know you anymore. You've hurt me too much. You neglected me. You upset me. You don't even had a second thought to apologize. Obviously you never cared. Everything that we had was memorable. You gave me one heck of an experience of a lifetime. I never had any of those moments with you with anyone else. I always thought that you would be the one but I never knew you would be the one to break my heart. Anyway, thanks for everything. I appreciate it. Hopefully, we will no longer see each other. I don't want to bump into you in college. Hopefully I wont see you at all so that I won't keep on remembering everything that we had. Nice knowing you Ridzuan Azmi. "


In Despair.

its 0407 today. you know what that means. it's me and his 3months anniversary. and guess what? we still havent talk to each other. :') so i spent my day with my friend Natasha Razak and also my brother Hakim to Shah Alam. I wanted to settle all my fees and stuff. and then i asked tacha to drive to Laman Budaya Shah Alam. just wanted to recall back the sweet times i had with him. you know, just in case i will never see him again. i went to look for him at his workplace. not really looking but just walking around there. who knows i might bumped into him, but i didn't. going anywhere in Shah Alam reminds me of him. over here and there. we create little memories and we left them at many places. it puts a smile on my face eventhough i should be drowning my eyes devastating about our problems. problems? hmm, guess i have to put it that way. i can't believe i'll be heading back to college this Thursday. i'm gonna miss Juno mostly. we've had the best times together. kan Juno? :') still, i feel like going back to college because i want to start doing something. and most of all, i just hope after i got my ass back there, things between me and him will be fine as always. Amin.


Is this the End?

let's not wish it is. fuck! the whole week! no text, no call, no nothing! is this what you want? I HATE YOU! GET THAT???!!!


are you happy now? i'm devastated. i'm crushed. i feel stupid already. if you dont want me anymore, tell me! i dont want to go through this again and again. I've had ENOUGH! i'm tired of crying, i'm tired of playing the same fucking depressing songs! We should just forget about going 3months. you are probably tired of me too. you don't love me anymore, right? i know. i can't do anything. just leave me if you must. i guarantee you you wont regret because i know i'm not that kinda girl you wanna spend your life with. i'm no guy's favourite girl. :'( just let me go.




okay okay, I know its sorta late for me but like who cares man! nowadays people are using this damn Blackberry and I'm still using my cybershot, hold it hold it, WRECKED UP SOUNDLESS sony ericsson cybershot phone. :'( mother, need i say more? can you get me one? :'( it's been a long time i haven't changed my phone. the last time i changed my phone it was a wrecked phone too. i'm always the one who's been using the worse phone in the house. but now, i'm gonna get a new one.


inconsistent thoughts

days flew so fast. I'll be going back to college next week. no worries. what's worth staying home doing nothing when you can have a bunch of more fun things to do when you're in college. this Tuesday I'm about to face the JPJ test. hopefully it'll go well. if there's a chance I'll pass, I'm gonna ask dad for a car. I'm not done packing stuff yet. I guess there's a lot more to buy. rumah aku takde almari! kena lah beli almari cerita die. so my weeks were dull as Mr. Bean's life until he made himself look like a fool, just trying to run away from boredom. I spent my weekends most with my family. hanging out with my cousins. my boyfriend? tell me about it. we only had a conversation last Friday! and it wasn't merry. just talking about Maharaja Lawak. and that's all. no sweet2 funny talk no more. my conscious thoughts has been telling me to just get a grip. HE'S NOT THAT INTO YOU ANYMORE! but we humans listen to our hearts rather than our conscious self. I love that guy. I really do. How is it for me to tell him so he would understand? maybe i need to talk to Oprah. the Mother of all women. dilemma slams onto my face. you know how it feels. it feels like, you're at a candy shop and you see a fluffy sugary DAMN fluffy cotton candy and then you caught your eyes on a fucking mouth watering red-ish glittery strawberry lollipop with a cute stick with turquoise and pink stick. you're stuck at choosing. somehow you have to pick. Life is about options. You pick and see where it goes. every single options we take, there's a consequences to it. whether it's good, or worse, only God knows. i tried to keep myself all prepared for the worse. there's this one time dad starts his education lectures and he said " sebok sgt nk i miss you i miss you. kang die dah tinggal kan kau lari kt org lain, haa dah resah. " nice dad. at that moment, maybe, just maybe, dad was sort of, right. i mean who knows kan. doesn't mean he stays for 2months and he wont leave you. " been there, never done that." so i guess i should be ready to face anything. as tough as a wrestler, when he gets beat up so bad, he'll fall and lose. but that doesn't mean we'll fall forever. Life is full of open doors. never mind the closed ones. if no doors is open for us, open it with our own hands. what the heck right? no one waits for us to shine. Mariah Carey wasn't born straight away on stage with a mic on her hand. Lady Gaga never thought she would end up a great performer until her piano teacher suggested she start writing a song. effort is a word you can just simply say it but the paperwork, damn, no one understands. cut short, i just wanna save my relationship and at the same time it won't bother my complicated life. Nuff said. peace


Chest to chest
Nose to nose
Palm to palm
We were always just that close
Wrist to wrist
Toe to toe
Lips that felt just like the inside of a rose
So how come when I reach out my finger
It feels like more than distance between us

In this California king bed
We're ten thousand miles apart
I've been California wishing on these stars
For your heart for me
My California king

Eye to eye
Cheek to cheek
Side by side
You were sleeping next to me
---oohhh next to me
Arm in arm
Dusk to dawn
With the curtains drawn
And a little last night on these sheets
So how come when I reach out my fingers
It seems like more than distance between us

In this California king bed

We're ten thousand miles apart
I been California wishing on the stars
For your heart for me
My California King

Just when I felt like giving up on us
You turned around and gave me one last touch
That made everything feel better
And even then my eyes got wetter
So confused, when I asked you if you love me
But I don't wanna seem so weak
Maybe I've been California dreaming

In this California king bed
We're ten thousand miles apart
I bet California wishing on these stars
For your heart for me
My California King
My California King

In this California king bed
We're ten thousand miles apart
I been California wishing on these stars
For your heart for me
My California King
"Honey, I don't know if I should continue going on with you. I'm breaking apart but you're not here to help me out. I can't stand one day knowing that we're not talking to each other. :'( "

i love you, though. xxx


Je'taime, amor de mi vida.

hello everyone. oh my, i'm so glad that he called me just now. i thought it would keep going on with the silence. i'm happy to be hearing his voice, his laugh. and tonight, he cut the call with i miss you. then he called me again saying " I love you muah muah muah muah muah muah muah muah muah " :') it's hard to get him to do that you know. it's always been me doing that. he would always say " i love you muah muah ". its good to know that you still remember me. i'm jyeahh relieved! haha. i thought i'd lost you. but i keep my faith. i know you will come back for me. that's all i ever need. i just wanted to know if your love for me is still there inside you. i'm not gonna give up on you baby. you're all mine. :')

I love you too. muah muah muah muah muah muah muah muah *tarik nafas muah muah muah muah muah muah :*


California Kind Bed.

since we're so far apart, the song ' California King Bed' by Rihanna fits well. so here I am, on my bed trying to end the day with a little story about today. summarizing today's agenda that is, nothing. yes, nothing. wondering why is it 'nothing'? it's a lonely dull day for me. i've been sitting at home, waiting for that only person to tell me how much he misses me or love me. even just that, i would feel much better. i could even survive the day. but right now, i can say i felt like lying down in bed drowning my eyes till it's swollen. and after that i will feel much better because in my mind, all that's left is, your decision. to love me or not. maybe previously when this kinda situation happens to me, i would just point my chin up and ready to face any consequences. not like this moment. that feeling of ready to let go, i dont have it anymore. it's because i really do believe that this time, it must be real. it must be true. too hard to escape the real truth so i made myself think that everything's okay. girls best lie, " I'm fine, I'm okay". still, no one gets it. it takes a long time for someone to understand something that has been shown with their own eyes. however,it made us stronger. even if when it comes to the lowest point in their lives, they'll end up standing up with their weak shaky self. sometimes, i would crouch down to my knees and pleaded to God to open up my heart and make me tough. unfornately, i still, can't :'(


You and I.

sometimes, when i looked back at our old pictures, it reminded me how we were so so happy that time, even if my mood was running down but your presence made me happy and happier. and to see that now we weren't like that anymore, it felt like something between us is wrecking. whether it's just me or, i dont know. hmm. maybe because we don't spend so much time together like in college. you got more things to think about and i, aaa, i don't know. how can i spice up this relationship so that it wont stay dull? i just miss every sweet things we've gone through. but yeah, like once he said " takkan lah setiap masa nk bunga-bunga?". i still remember that. but i cant. i'm not that person who wants to be serious all the time. i want to be pampered all the time, especially by the guy i really love the most. i'm trying to be the best but i think my best isn't good enough. i feel like crying but my tears just won't go out, so i would just keep all of those tears inside until the right time comes. i really love that guy so much. i don't know if he sees that :( i wanna lean on your shoulder and snuggle next to you. i wanna hold you as long as i can. i wanna sing songs with you and scream out loud and laugh about it. i want you to pinch my cheeks. i want you to scrunch my hair, play with my hair. for crying out loud, I Miss You A LOT! :( i feel like telling you to quit your job and just spend your time with me but i know i can't. but then, i realized that i kept messing things up with you. with my dumbass attitude (tarik2 muka) and stuff that can turn your grinning smile into dead silence. once i had an ex who always pampers me with love and care but he turned to be a sicko. and i expected you to be just like that, just better so i could love you even more. things got really hard when it gets longer. i don't know how to keep myself strong so that i wont be this weak. you are by fact my strongest strength still you are my biggest weakness. you made me strong when i'm feeling weak. but now, when i'm at my breaking point, you...weren't there for me. :( i love you b. i really do. i never wished for much. you on your own is enough. i don't care what people might say about us. i'm happy as long as i'm with you. i just want you to understand that. hopefully, you'll be the one i would take with till the end of my life. i just want to be with you. no one else. :(
I love you, Ridzuan Azmi. <3


Behind the story : Lady Gaga.

13 June on MTV " Inside The Outside of Lady Gaga" but I can't wait till 13 June so I watch it on Youtube. Nasib baik ada. fiuhhh. so there's three part and i watched all three and i was like, wow, is this really Lady Gaga? I mean is that how she really get through life to become one hell of a singer? she started as a girl who loves the stage play and her father decided to send her for piano classes. haha just like me :'D and she started playing classical songs. and then she would only write poetries and she had never thought of writing a song. just like me! but i'm not good as you, Gaga. you're insanely good! She told about how she performed at a bar where she worked and she didn't perform anyone's song but hers and she didn't give a fuck what people say. she also told about her being thrown in a trash can beside a street and she just hold the tears inside and laugh about it, nervously. maybe some people would judge Lady Gaga as a devil worshiper with all the freemasons and illuminati that had been collaborated in her videos. if you first hear her latest song titled ' Judas ', the first thing people will be thinking is that she's writing about how she loves Judas that to my opinion is ridiculous because I don't have much knowledge about Judas or whatsoever because it's not in my flow. so i would say Judas is like the Demon, i dont know. but in this interview, she told us about the story behind the song ' Judas '. it's about the betrayal of her boyfriend that claimed to be the what? Judas priest? oh i dont know whats that. so she already made the song but she thought about how to make the video that wasn't obvious enough it's about her boyfriend's betrayal. get it? you better watch it. at one time she talks about her family and started crying, MAN i cried okay?! haha ==' anyways, you should go and watch it yourself. Go on Youtube and look for ' Lady Gaga : Inside The Outside ( Interview ) '.

I Hate You Lady Gaga because You're so F(*&@&#*@ing Awesome.


One way to Popularity : PublicHumiliation.

Okay, so tengah busuk2 tak mandi lagi ngadap facebook dgn roti and susu ternampak lah perbualan dkt news feed aku pasal anti-anti like page. Faham kan? haa. So baru baru nh ade Kami Fuck Shasha Perry GRO Jalanan. Okay, aku tak kenal lah pulak die nh sape. Tataw lah ape cerita die sampai org nk buat page pasal die. Tapi sebelum tuh ade jugak lagi taw. aaaaaaaa, Adinda Milano Evans/Daten Milano bangga tiada dara. ha. yang tuh aku ade lah TERbaca blog die tuh. okay, mmg betul die buat pengakuan berani mati die takde dara. damn berani gila! but that's not the point here. what i'm trying to say is about the people yang comment, admin page tuh, orang yang like benda2 tuh sume. i mean, hmm what's the point actually? so tadi tgh syok makan roti aku bukak lah page yg pasal Shasha Perry nh. tgk lah oldest to the oldest post dkt situ. ohh, rupe2nye dorg nh bergaduh pasal lelaki kot. die dpt laki nh laki nh pulak hot, rupe2nye laki tuh laki org *mengikut ape yg comment tuh ckp lah*. to me, it's pretty lame and funny. not that i'm saying that that Shasha Perry girl deserve with what she did. kelakar lah benda2 mcm nh nk kne post dkt facebook. obviously, Facebook = Myspace. I ain't lying. everything that happened on myspace happens on facebook. aku rase budak2 yang tak reti bersosial jangan pakai lah sosial website. pakai jelah YM kea ape. nty mcm nh lah. haa yang nh benci nh yang nh benci tuh pastuh amek kau buat page like like. pastuh passing2 kt org lain suruh like lepastuh org like org comment2 caci2 maki2 tak tentu arah. lepastuh masuk hal agama. lepastuh masuk Oh!media. haha yang tuh taleyh blah. ;p aku tak rase sume nh ade function. lain lah kalau setiap orang yang comment page tuh dapat ganjaran 100rm setiap comment sokong page tuh en. kalau mcm tuh dah lama aku join bnde2 tuh. haha okay kidding. cakap pasal agama, sume org yg tak tak sokong page tuh akan ckp mcm nh...

"Oi, kau nak fuck2 die apehal? die ada kaco idop ko? ko tahu kan Allah marah ko buat keje tahi mcm nh?"

okay, ayat pendek2 sudah lah. cube korang perhati betul2 ayat tuh. takyah lah aku nk terang satu2 kan? dah besar dah kan? so faham lah tuh maknanye. kalau kite nk tegakkan sesuatu perkara dgn menggunakan agama, kite cakap cara agama kite. sopan dan beradab. agama mane nak nasihat org pakai sumpah seranah mcm nh? takde kan? haa. so mcm nh lah. kemungkinan dalam masa akan dtg bnde2 mcm nh mesti ade lagi. tibe2 admin yang buat page2 nh terkena pulak balik. aiseymen. mampoih kau. haha. ntah2, tibe2 AKU pulak yang kene tak pasal2 sbb aku post blog pasal bnde nh. haha adoih. ape yg perlu kite buat, kite buat tataw. kalau kawan2 korang terkena, advice aku ialah :
tak payah like page tuh untuk comment page tuh suruh2 dorg buang account tuh. sampai mati dorg takkan buang. trust me.
-bgtaw lah kawan yang terkena tuh supaya die byk bersabar and always believe that Karma really do exist.
-buat tataw jelah pasal2 bnde nh sbb it's a waste of time. kalau ternampak senyum jea, gelak kea sbb aku pon tergelak. walaupon bnde nh bnde lifeless tapi sumpah kelakar. haha sorry :/

so, mcm tuh lah cerita die. basically i dont say all this without no reason, but it's involving girls. ehh aku pon girl jugak taw. not very sedap mata lah bukak fb tgk perempuan nh mengaku tiada dara lah ape lah sume. atoi. malu lah eden mcm nh. lepasnh nk jadi laki lah pulak. ==' kalau yang lelaki pulak mesti nk pakai ayat 3line die " waa tak usik lu lu jgn usik wa. wa panggil cabel wa serang tmpt lu." adoi cek mek molek*tibe2. haha.

so the moral of the story, ape kate kite lari balik pegi Myspace? HAHA, okay not funny ==' kbye