Raya 2011

hyeeee uolls ;) Eh, Selamat Hari Raya Maaf Zahir Batin. Sorry lah kalau aku buat salah kt korang. k,dah habis disitu. Harinh dah raya ke2, kan? yelah kot. harinh dah masuk 4hari, kot aku duduk kt kampung dkt pahang nh. 1st raya was the best. Karok dgn cousins, tgk Man Utd vs Arsenal match dkt mamak, lpk teluk chempedak. everything runs well when you have all your cousins around you. HAPPENING! laughing, gossiping. hehe. I'm so gonna miss this year's Raya. because 1: Uncle or so-called-uncle Samuel isnt here to disturb my family again, 2: me and my cousins get to bond even tighter :) even tho aku takde boyfriend nk omey2 di bulan yang mulia dan lagi indah ini, but i have my family :') the best thing ever that no one can offer. Selamat hari raya again guys and have a great one.


xoxoxox,
N.A

So here's the thing :

You know, I get really annoyed with Malay girls these days. You know why? Here's why :

- So I was at Sunway Pyramid with my family for a little shopping. Then I saw this girl. She was wearing a really, REALLY short skirt. Babe, if you happen to have the most drop dead gorgeous legs, I don't mind but seriously, you need to hide those legs honey. Don't show off your ' perfect ' legs to the public especially now its Fasting Month. BULAN PUASA ! Respect lah orang lain bodo. Perempuan apelah kau nh. Pastuh taknak cakap lah make up pulak tebal mane. Kalau letak die sebelah Ronald McDonald, dah nampak mcm sibling taw tak? ishh, pity you. Aku sebagai kaum perempuan malu kot kau keluar mcm tuh. Pastuh dok tergedik2 dgn jantan. Adoi. Memalukan gileww!

If you stay.

I hope he reads my everyday blog because I've been updating about him most of the time. I have to say this again and again, I miss him so much. Boy, I miss you, I miss you, I fucking miss you! Would you please, please tell me if you feel the same way too. Please, talk to me. I hate this solitude silence between us. I miss those " hai cik natasha azlan...", "hyeeee sayangggg....". haishh. I keep hearing it inside my ears, imagining it to happen again. How I love to hear that voice of yours. Especially the time you sang 'Beautiful Monster'. God! You were so good I could just eat you alive! and I miss the time when you surprisingly came to my house, pick me up and take me out. I liked it when people keep telling me, telling you " aww co cweet.." because humorously but seriously say that we both have the same rabbit teeth ==' sweet ape :/ I can't stop thinking about you. I woke up every morning, the first thing in mind was you. Before I go to bed, you were the last thing I thought about. Remembering our stories made me feel better. Remembering the sweet things we do. Breakfast on the beach, vandalism at the park writing our names at the hut we sat, arguing on cigarettes, dating in the library, playing kites, just go around anywhere. I desire you. If I was asked where I wanted to be right now, I say : In your arms. Nowhere else but there. I hate to say this but I want to wait for you, even if it takes a million years for you to change your mind. Starting from you, I don't think I wanna find anyone else because I feel like replacing you is harder than getting over you. Maybe if you've finally moved on with someone else, I would still be standing alone, afraid to let another guy gets into my life and destroys it. I pray that someday, just that one day, you'll remember me as the girl that is willing to stay right beside you at your worst and best times. I'll never stop loving even tho I know eventually I will, but for now, it'll just stay this way. I'll be fine. I love you, Ridzuan Azmi. I'm sorry to even bother you at certain times. A little text from me is how I say " I miss you ". :'(

Imma frigid little bitch.

i can honestly say, he's been on my mind since I woke up today. I look at our photographs all the time. Memories just keep coming back. I start to think about the little things, I'll remember till I cry. Then I decided to take my chances to tell him how I feel about this, and this is what I said :


" I'm sorry that I have to be honest to you tonight. I don't wanna wait a thousand years to be this honest to you. I might as well say it now. First of all, biggest apologies for everything. I mean everything that had happened between us. It's been a month now after our break up. Frankly said, it's been hard for me to go through this especially when we're still seeing each other. I keep recalling memories we created. I went to places we've been to. But slowly I can feel that we're starting to move away from each other. We see each other in college but we have to act like we're a total complete strangers. Ignoring you, ignoring me like we never knew. I know it supposed to be that way, but with you, I can't. Avoiding you is the one thing I can't get away from. I've been trying to get close to you again. I tried so hard but I guess my effort don't paid enough. That's when I realize that I have a lack of effort on you. I easily give up on you. Everytime you're trying to walk away, I didn't stand in your way. I just let you pass by. Just like what happen when you wanted to break up with me. I should've made you stay but instead I let you off. The biggest mistake so far I did to you and I hope somehow I could repay my guilts. I don't ask much from you. I don't wanna know the reason why you wanted us to break. All I wanted to know if all those months we've gone through, was it real or was it just some propaganda couples do. Just so you know, till today, I've never stop loving you. Even if my friends see me hating you, I wanted you to be the only person to know that I don't and never can hate you. I really do love you. If this seemed wrong to you, I'm sorry. I just have to let you know before you move on to another girl's arms. I can't bare to see you with another girl without knowing how I really feel..."

so that's basically what I said to him. I felt much better to just let it all out. I miss him so much :'( I miss those hugs and kisses we share. I miss everything we had. The only prayer I keep is for us to be together again. Why does it has to this hard to move on?! I tried and tried but I can't! I need him. He's all I have :'( I don't want anyone else but him :'(

I Miss You, Ridzuan Azmi. I Love You :'(

We'll Be A Dream.

hye night owls. it's amazing that I'm still awake at 3 o'clock and not giving a shit about waking up early tomorrow when I know that my class starts at 8. it happens all the time. so yeah, its almost 3. friends been asking me why am I still awake. I said " Ado den kesah? " then they would say " -.-' '' sorry guys. i really have no clue. Just now all of a sudden I have this 'rajin' spirit. I'm doing my assignments, decorating my notes. cop, I feel sleepy already. can I skip this? kbye

T_T

Paling best shopping pakai duit sendiri. I got to buy the things that I wanted and I don't have to hear my mom yabbling about it. HAHA. SHOPPING SHOPPING!!!! ;D

Why me : Why not you?

it gets even emotional when you're sitting all alone and then you're pushing yourself to think about the past. I know it's difficult to put a side these kinda things. So what if I'm a little frigid? People may see me as a girl that can hold a tornado. I smile, I laugh after breaking up with my ex. Duh, does anyone knows what's happening inside me? Does anyone understand what am I going thru? I guess not. I'm fragile you fuck ups. I might have the tendency to fall apart so badly when dealing with this shit. So I was wondering why me? Why should I be the one that has to cry and blah blah blah yadda yadda yadda and why not you? For once, I would love to know that there's someone out there who would cry and blah blah blah thinking of me. To be precise : thinking about how we used to be. Sweet and lovable. I see myself as loyal person. I stick to that one person I really love because somehow I have the strongest faith in love, even tho on the other hand may not take this seriously. Sometimes, I want to know how it feels to cheat. Having a boyfriend and then at the same time going out with other guys and don't give a fuck what will my boyfriend thinks and say. I want to learn how to be heartless but I'M A HUMAN YOW! Humans have hearts! How can they be heartless? Some can be that way, but like I could. pfftt. See. How tough can I be when I have so much of the sweet side in me. LOL! I mean, seriously say, I can't do that even when I want to. Come to think of it, I have really high believes in Karma. What comes around comes around? Yeah, that one. I don't tend to hurt people. Even when I do, I ask for their forgiveness. Either they want to forgive me or not, who the hell cares. I commit my guilt to them so what to expect. Cut the story short ; I hope one day, just one day, a guy shows up in my life and this time, it ain't a joke. It won't be something I would only smile for a few days or weeks or months. Someone that could bare with my shitty attitude still giving me advice to change. Someone who would appreciate me for being there for him, to love and care for him. To cherish every moment. To wipe all my tears and sorrow and to tell me that the past is just memories for me to laugh about and always remind me that the future would be brighter with his existence. * I didn't really cut it short right? HAHA whatever. That's all. My heart is now written here. So in case you don't have any idea how my heart is doing right now, this is quite enough right? Thanks for reading :')

We'll be doing alright.

hyeeeeeeee bloggers and readers and stalkers ;) i miss blogging. hehe. currently, me and my housemates are watching Flat 3A. me? sibuk online and blogging. hehe. i dont know why but i feel energetic today even when i heard that today's class should be in the morning not in the afternoon. punyelah aku siap awal gila, naik bas awal gila, sampai college jumpe classmate pakai baju biasa, katanya nk pulang. aishh. but i dont want it to bother me so i keep my chin high and start my mood up. i started laughing, dancing with kina. and i dont feel down anymore. i even cooked today! hahahah. unbelievable? you better believe it :) i cooked my dad's chicken curry. aummm ^^ thank God my housemates liked it. hehe. so tomorrow got no class. cuti lah katakan. duduk jelah rumah, tido sampai tak bontot berakar. yayy! haha. hmm, itu jelah kot nk cerita for today. nothing much kan? because my days has been an average day. kan? well, i guess that's all. bye ;)

Saturday's agenda.

Morning-afternoon : okay, the first thing I did was going to Shah Alam for some assignments. Kina and Mai were there too. after all had been settled, I was thinking of seeing him and after some calls that he didn't picked up, his sister answered his phone. she said he was sick. so I decided to stop by to see if he's okay. and I did :) it was a short visit. I had to go out with my family. for SHOPPING!

Afternoon-evening : so there we were at Plaza Alam Central. the place was packed! the crowd was stinky! haha. as always, my eyes caught many things. I saw pwetty shoes, pwetty clothes, everything PWETTY! :'( and Alhamdulillah I got myself one baju kurung and it looks so friggin pretty i can't wait to put em on. all that's left now is my raya shoes and handbag. teehee ;) and there's this one thing me and my brother did I seriously wont forget. we parked our car at the mall then we walked by feet to SACC. tataw lah pulak time tuh nk hujan. tibe2 ha amek lebat nak mampuih! so by sudden dad told me to get to the car and drive it to SACC and pick them up. so aku dan hakim berjalan lah dalam hujan lebat berbumbungkan payung yang kecik dan comel. habis baju lenjun, seluar lenjun, rambut lenjun, beg lenjun, ape pon tak pat. dgn penuh gagah aku dgn adik aku jalan dalam hujan gelak2. it was fun for a second thought :) dalam bulan puasa, this is the most daring day. jalan dalam hujan, lalu sebelah bazar bau sedap2. honestly Allah tested our patience today and Alhamdulillah we did it :)

so i guess that would be it. cherios :)

A Little Bit Lost.

oh gosh, whats wrong with you Tasha? Duhh how should I know! I've been waking up late these few days, I don't wake up for sahur thats for sure, I always miss the bus to college, I go to class looking so fucked up horrible, I took a really long sleep sampai lupa dunia. fuck! and right now, i felt neglected :'( thats the worst part of it. Kina is no longer near me to share stories with, to laugh with, to smoke with. currently I can say I have no close friends, no boyfriends or whatever to keep me company. I'm really relying on Ridzuan Azmi to text me whenever I feel lonely and feeling of a need to talk to someone. But its not like he's around all the time. I feel like crying right now :'( seriously say, i'm already at my weakest point. breaking down down and down. usually this is the moment when all you really need is a hug. Nak hug :'( my heart tibe2 pounding like what the hell kau nh jantung? shishh. honestly I don't understand what am i facing right now. Is this like when I was in Form 2? The phase where I started to lose my grip in life and break down but still stood strong in silence and all of a sudden a person shows up with an intention of accompanying me but in the end happens to be a backstabbing douche? and then I wouldn't careless about what happen and then true friends started to pop up out of nowhere? That's how I go thru during Form 2. quite harsh aint it? I realized that I'm no longer the same person. I've changed a little. I have no idea which part but I can feel it. hmm :( i know it's hard Tasha. But you're so strong. You've gone thru a lot, still you never fall apart. Keep it strong Tasha. Onward and upward. *asyik ckp sorang2 jea aku nh =='

Talking To The Moon.

I guess it's too early to be so happy and all. You know you just hate that feeling when you're almost there but then you realized that you have to turn back. we went back to memory lane. it made me feel like, we can just, go back :'( but now i feel like we can't, again. i got too close to you day by day and the closer i get to you, the more pain i felt. reading your conversations with some particular girls that might be, hmm.. :'( for one second you were the light of my life but then you turned off. what was i thinking? HE WONT COME BACK TASHA! FUCK! JUST LET HIM GO! :'( stop keeping your faith on him, tasha. he just won't come back. you're ugly, you're stupid. WHAT DO YOU HAVE TO PLEASE HIM? NOTHING!! live alone , tasha :'( that's where you're supposed to be. You tried so hard to get back to him, tasha, still he won't be coming back. Let go, tasha. Let go :'(

Anita ckp eh, aku tak ckp

Thanks for the ride home and for taking me out to the bazar walaupon hanya menghidu :')

The one thing you can't deny

I miss you, Ridzuan Azmi. :'(
I save some pieces of my heart for you.
I wished you and I don't have to go thru this stage, again.
I wished time would just go back.
I love you, with all my breaking heart.

Goodbye? Not yet.

so here I go again. starting my late night sobering mood. I mean, why should I feel this way man? get a grip Tasha! why is it so hard for me to let go? the more I tried to let go, the more I get too attached to him. like just now before berbuka, he came to my house. he wanted to open fasting at my house but he had three friends with him so I'm a little bit shy, okay? dgn rumah bersepahnye. atoi. yknow, even tho he treated me like I'm his 'membe2', still I can't get away from that feeling that he is still my boyfriend. cacat kan aku? tak reti2 nak let go. so just now, aku baru habis lepak dgn mbe baru. people called him Ayoi. I think thats how it spelled. main guitar depan rumah, sap kok, borak2 and all of a sudden, cop cop, time tuh aku tgh online pesbuk pastuh aku bukak page Ridzuan Azmi then Ayoi tye, " ehh aku mcm knl jea tuh. mbe2 aku gak tuh". and I went " sewious???" alahai, knl rupanyeww. macikau. then borak2, main guitar buat bising di kejiranan. haha. orang pegi terawih aku buat 'terawih' depan rumah. elok sgt lah tuh. hesh. skrg baru settle assignment yg cukup memberangsangkan, Mathematics ==' baru buat sikit dah tepu otak. tasha tasha. haiseymen... and here's some bad news :

Kina is about to leave me alone :'( this Sunday she'll be going inside, hostel ! sighhhhhhhhhhhhhh

so after this, aku duduk lah dgn jiran tetangga aku. alone, takde geng nk gossip2, main guitar, sap kok tgk cerita Fasha Senduk ptg2. babi ahh. menciwk dowh camniew! :'( ape2 pun, i'll try to have some fun out here. alahh biaselah, starting to get used to living on my own. :) onward and upward tasha. onward and upward I say :)

Fasting Month eady?

yeahhh. and its pretty upsetting that this year i didnt get to sahur and berbuka with my family on the first day of fasting. mom text me just now asking me what i eat for berbuka. i miss mom's cooking during fasting. sorry lah ma kali nh tak dpt buka sahur same. tgulah angah balik k? and i cant wait for raya! halamakkkkkkk. excited lebih. hehe. and and, congrats tasha, this is your 5th year celebrating Ramadhan without a boyfriend. :') hopefully this year Ramadhan will bring more memorable story for me. Onward and upward tasha. Onward and upward I say :)