Undetermined.

Then again,

"Maybe you shouldn't push people away too much because one day you're going to realize you've pushed away the people that really cared about you and you're going to miss a lots of fun things in your life. Take some risks, angah. Life is too short for regrets."- Kak Ana, February 2014.

It's not that I'm pushing people away. I'm just pushing people that doesn't give me enough credits for being there for them. Ungrateful people. Isn't 11 years of falling in and out of love considered as 'too much of a heartache' already? 

Sometimes, too strong...

This is what I would totally say to you...

" Sometimes, I acted all strong is because I have my reasons. I just can't take another heartbreak to deal with. I tried and tried to let you in. But the fact that I was so scared, I decided to just push you away. Here's the twist. 'I had feelings'. I've realized that I'm pushing away the people I like. Although roughly I've only known you for a few weeks, I got attached to the idea of keeping you because it's so much fun and interesting knowing that there's still someone out there who's willing to ring me when I'm sleeping, compliment my sleepy voice, appreciating my morning texts, wanting to know how special they are to me, wanting to spend time with me, telling me ' text me when you get home', reminding how capable I am of something, calm me down through hard situations and even treat me like I'm apart of you when we're sitting among your friends. After all, I'm a human too. Plus the fact that I am genuinely a girl. I have feelings. Despite of my act, trying to be all cool and heartless and stuff like that, inside, I'm just an abandoned home. No one to re-decorate, no one to live in. Just passers-by. No permanent guest. At one time, I would love to meet a person who would take a second to talk to me when I'm down, and when I'm about to leave, he would grab my hand and tell me, 'hold on. We're going to work this. Just don't give up on me yet'. But I guess, I'm still the only one who is foolish enough to do all of that for someone. Pleasing you, trying to win your heart and I had to be so strong when all of my effort seems wasted. In the end, being strong is the only choice I have. Putting on my fake smiles is like wearing make-up every time I go out. And by the time I reached home, I'll wash away all my smiles. Whats left of it, is just the lonely me. I was so eager to show you how much I can appreciate your existence. Eventually, I'm still not good enough to do so. I'd almost believe that you could be the best 'partner-in-crime', but I end up killing my own partner. And I'm sorry that I haven't done my best to stay. Well look on the bright side, at least someone better for you will come along. Unlike me, I still have many to catch up with since that relationship skills and those related to it are not in my resume. The best in life will arrive one day. I don't deserve you. You deserve better than this. Thank you for deciding to leave. It made me realize how lacking I am. 

And when there's no other way than to keep on moving, the best is just to keep looking forward and to not look back. It might never be the right time. And that's the hardest part of it."

Bullshit.

I did it again.
Fooled myself.
With thoughts of
    I can win you back,
I realized.

This is all bullshit.

The Hardest Part

Pretend you're happy, pretend we're fine

I guess that's easier after all this time

Talk about someone else then look in my eyes

I know you still hold on to us inside

But we watched that butterfly fly

I'd give anything just to be with you again but it's not the right time

And I'd give anything just to feel you on my skin

But it's not the right time and it'll never be the right time, will it?

It might never be the right time and that's the hardest part of it

I keep you in my mind even though you've gone

Holding on to nothing's easier than letting go

Stuck in the memory of what has been

Just please don't love another like you loved me

Time doesn't heal, it just leaves me asking why

I'd give anything just to be with you again but it's not the right time

And I'd give anything just to feel you on my skin

But it's not the right time and it'll never be the right time, will it?

It might never be the right time and that's the hardest part of it

And I don't know why I feel this way

If I could, I'd change, believe me

And I know that you feel the same, is it too late for saving?

Oh, here I go again

I'd give anything just to be with you again but it's not the right time

And I'd give anything just to feel you on my skin

But it's not the right time and it'll never be the right time, will it?

It might never be the right time and that's the hardest part of it

Fuck.

Why do i feel like i miss you,
All of a sudden?

Fuck.

Tidak mengapa.

The moment i sat with you, you'll hear all my laughter, jokes, dramas, stories and gossip.

I wont tell you this, but....

I am insecure. But i keep on flipping my hair so you wont noticed.

I am full of jealousy. But i treated you and everyone equally so it wont be that obvious.

I am weak. But I tried to appear strong and tough so i can make you believe that i am unbreakable.

I am a loner. But i talk a lot with random people and just open with anyone so i can make you see how bright i am.

I am nothing. But i tried showing you that i am something so you would be impressed.

I thought i had won your heart, but i lost it instead.

I tried to give you my best but i realized that my best is nothing but a total mess. And why does this rhymes?

I wanted to push you off a cliff, but we havent even started climbing.

I wanted to keep you, but i havent saved any space for you yet.

I wanted to cherish you, but i decided to cut it short.

I thought i was ready, but actually i'm not.

Awaked.

You appear in my dream,
And i woke up.
Fuck this.

Turn Around.

When you thought hope is giving you another chance, that's when things get rough.

When you gave your heart one more try in love, gave another chance in believing someone, doubts starts conquering me.

Intense. Dilemma. Lost.