Happy Mother's Day...

It all started on the first day of Puasa year 2013 when I was at Sabak Bernam and that one evening I received a call from my cousin, Kakna. She never calls me unless we have discussed something important and I would ask her to call me for updates. I was getting ready to head out to the nearest bazar in town to buy food for berbuka and Kakna called me left me speechless while I sat on the edge of my bed...

Me : hello kakna...
Kakna: haa angah... angah dekat mana?
Me: haha angah dekat sabak bernam lerr... asal?
Kakna: ohyeke... Angah taw tak mama baru accident?
Me: ha? Eh kakna jangan main2... 
Kakna: kakna tak tahu. Ni maklong baru call kakna suruh kakna bagitau angah...
Me: aaa... okay. nty angah try call ayah.
Kakna: okay... byee...
Me: ha okay bye...

My hand was shaking, my whole body was shaking. My lips weren't moving. Time seemed to slow down and my head started ringing right after the call. I tried my best to stay calm as possible and I walked slowly towards the living room to tell my bestfriend, Kina about what I just heard. Kina got up on her feet in shocked of hearing the news and immediately asked me to call my dad to ask if everything's fine. And so I did...

Me: Hello ayah...
Ayah: haa...
Me: ayah dekat mana? tadi kakna call angah bagitau mama accident?
Ayah: ha aa... tapi tataw teruk kea tak. ayah pon baru nak keluar rumah ni. cuba awak try call
           hakim sebab hakim ade dengan mama sekarang...
Me: *started crying* okay... angah...angah try call hakim...
Ayah: okay. nanti apa2 ayah bagitaw...

So I called my brother... After 5 times trying to reach him, he answered my call... But...

Me: hakim! kau dekat mana? Mama macam mane?
Hakim: tolonglah... *can't recall some of the words he said*... nanti aku bagitawlah...
Me: okay. nanti tolong call aku balik...

What made me even weaker was when my brother was speaking to me, he was definitely speaking with a heavy cry in his chest. The burden got even worst...

It was 6:35pm and my friends were ready to go out. I can't even move a muscle right after I burst into tears knowing that I can't be there to check on her and see if she's fine. I laid on my bed, buried my face into my pillow, spilled every tears sobbing my heart out. Kina went towards me to calm me down and suggested that I go out to get some fresh air hoping that it would help me wash away all my worries. So I got myself out of the house and decided to just go to the bazar. At the bazar, my heart was at ease and I bumped into some of my friends and I had to hold on to my tears and faked a smile as I go. I didn't buy anything. All of a sudden, all of my appetites just went down the drain and I wasn't hungry at all. I was busy thinking what were the odds of my mom getting into this accident. I was walking and praying at the same time. Then I was at pause when I received a text message from my eldest brother, Along. On the notification bar, there stated " Along sent you an 'image' ". My fingers were shaking as I was trying to open the image. It was a picture of my mother's car. Kina who was a few inches infront of me, stopped when she realized that I wasn't following her back. I burst myself into tears and cried even harder in the mist of people busy getting ready for berbuka and not giving a single shit about my surroundings. Kina ran right towards me and took my phone right of my hand and was also shocked with the picture. My knees felt to the ground, I felt so helpless. I couldn't breath as far as I remembered it was suffocating me and nearly passed out. Kina quickly grabbed me by my shoulders and carried me towards our car. I cried and cried, thinking how can I get home. I need to be with my mother right now. Then my friends and I went back to our house. The amount of tears I've shed right after I first heard about the news were nearly the entire ocean. Then Maghrib arrived but it was so gloomy. Usually I'll get very excited on the first day of fasting. But that day, right after I heard the azan... " Allahuakbar Allahuakbar...", I walked towards the bathroom, took my wudhu' and performed my prayers. Again, in my sujood, I cried and cried till there was no more left of tears in my eyes.

The first day I saw my mom... unconscious...

I managed to get home on the 2nd day of fasting. I wanted to see mom so bad. That morning, dad said we were going to my aunt's house in Shah Alam and all relatives were gathered there. My brothers and my sister had visited mom so my dad said I can visit her that day. And so me, my dad and three of my aunties followed to go and visit mom at Hospital Tungku Ampuan Rahimah, Klang. After we arrived at the hospital, one of the nurse insisted us to wait at the waiting area while my dad arranged all the payment required. For one long hour I stood there waiting, feeling so scared of seeing her condition, my dad who was sitting suddenly stood up..." haa tu mama dah sampai...". She was on her bed. She was...unconscious. There were wires everywhere. There was a machine on the side of her right leg. I guessed it was the heart monitor. I took a glance of my mother's face. A pipe was attached in her mouth. The view of her made my body trembled and I started to lose balance. My aunty took me by the shoulders and walked me towards the ambulance that my mom was headed to. I couldn't even stand near her, so I just stood five steps back from the ambulance. My aunty told me to sat next to my mom and whisper or talk to her so she could hear my voice. I couldn't. I don't have the power to confront all of this. Seeing her in such condition broke all of my sanity into pieces. So, I declined my aunt's persuasion and started crying again...

"Her condition..."

The next day, mom had to be transferred to Hospital Selayang because the only hospital with a liver specialist was at that hospital. It was said that her liver was badly severed from the hard impact. She had to undergo a surgery to recover. I was there at the hospital. Me, my dad and my aunty and uncle, Maklong and Paklong sat at the ICU entrance waiting for the visiting hours. We were there till the sun sets off because dad wanted to talk to doctor in charge. Then, maghrib. We had a little munch for berbuka and then all four of us went inside the ICU to see my mom and dad meeting the doctor. I had to listen what the doctor had to say, and I heard that the doctor had mentioned of a few fractures on her lower back bone and her neck. Right after the conversation ended, I saw dad making his way out of the ICU and headed towards the staircase. The heartbreak that my dad probably felt at that time, I felt it too. A few minutes later, visiting hours came to its time. We had to leave. Mak Long told me to say goodbye to mom before we leave. With all the courage I had, I sat right next to her right side of the bed...

" Assalamualaikum ma. Ni angah ni. Angah dah nak balik. Mama sembuh cepat eh? Nanti boleh kita semua buka puasa pastuh sahur sama-sama. Mama cepat bangun eh? Esok angah datang jumpa mama lagi..."

And I kissed her forehead, held her hand as I teared myself again... And then left her while looking back at her until I reached the corner towards the entrance door...

My inspiration...

Mom, I never knew such power you have. For years and years you have portrayed this incredibly unstoppable woman. How strong you are fighting everything that are going against you. Fighting everything just to make sure that you're still capable to see all your children growing up and become just like you. I was weak before I knew this, mom. I cried at stupid things that I know I shouldn't, I complained about petty things that I should know that I could handle them all by myself, I never take things seriously when I know it is for my best. You're truly what inspires me to become a better person, Ma. I never showed you how much I miss you or love you upfront but you know everything I do, I'm doing it just for you and dad. And that indicates of how much I wanted to show my appreciation to you and dad. I love you so much, Mama. Thank you so much for all your hardship in raising us five rebellious kids. Thank you for giving us more than what we needed. Thank you for scolding us whenever we disobey. Thank you for all the lectures that we have to listen to. Thank you for giving us a true reason to cry about. Thank you, Mama. My promise to always dedicate my life to become a successful person and to be able to share with you my success is a vow that I will forever hold on to. Happy Mother's Day, Mama.

Your Dedicated Daughter,
Natasha Azlan.

My mother survived this...
Date of Incident: 10th July 2013
Location: Highway to Puncak Alam.



Then again,

"Maybe you shouldn't push people away too much because one day you're going to realize you've pushed away the people that really cared about you and you're going to miss a lots of fun things in your life. Take some risks, angah. Life is too short for regrets."- Kak Ana, February 2014.

It's not that I'm pushing people away. I'm just pushing people that doesn't give me enough credits for being there for them. Ungrateful people. Isn't 11 years of falling in and out of love considered as 'too much of a heartache' already? 


Sometimes, too strong...

This is what I would totally say to you...

" Sometimes, I acted all strong is because I have my reasons. I just can't take another heartbreak to deal with. I tried and tried to let you in. But the fact that I was so scared, I decided to just push you away. Here's the twist. 'I had feelings'. I've realized that I'm pushing away the people I like. Although roughly I've only known you for a few weeks, I got attached to the idea of keeping you because it's so much fun and interesting knowing that there's still someone out there who's willing to ring me when I'm sleeping, compliment my sleepy voice, appreciating my morning texts, wanting to know how special they are to me, wanting to spend time with me, telling me ' text me when you get home', reminding how capable I am of something, calm me down through hard situations and even treat me like I'm apart of you when we're sitting among your friends. After all, I'm a human too. Plus the fact that I am genuinely a girl. I have feelings. Despite of my act, trying to be all cool and heartless and stuff like that, inside, I'm just an abandoned home. No one to re-decorate, no one to live in. Just passers-by. No permanent guest. At one time, I would love to meet a person who would take a second to talk to me when I'm down, and when I'm about to leave, he would grab my hand and tell me, 'hold on. We're going to work this. Just don't give up on me yet'. But I guess, I'm still the only one who is foolish enough to do all of that for someone. Pleasing you, trying to win your heart and I had to be so strong when all of my effort seems wasted. In the end, being strong is the only choice I have. Putting on my fake smiles is like wearing make-up every time I go out. And by the time I reached home, I'll wash away all my smiles. Whats left of it, is just the lonely me. I was so eager to show you how much I can appreciate your existence. Eventually, I'm still not good enough to do so. I'd almost believe that you could be the best 'partner-in-crime', but I end up killing my own partner. And I'm sorry that I haven't done my best to stay. Well look on the bright side, at least someone better for you will come along. Unlike me, I still have many to catch up with since that relationship skills and those related to it are not in my resume. The best in life will arrive one day. I don't deserve you. You deserve better than this. Thank you for deciding to leave. It made me realize how lacking I am. 

And when there's no other way than to keep on moving, the best is just to keep looking forward and to not look back. It might never be the right time. And that's the hardest part of it."



I did it again.
Fooled myself.
With thoughts of
    I can win you back,
I realized.

This is all bullshit.


The Hardest Part

Pretend you're happy, pretend we're fine
I guess that's easier after all this time
Talk about someone else then look in my eyes
I know you still hold on to us inside
But we watched that butterfly fly

I'd give anything just to be with you again but it's not the right time
And I'd give anything just to feel you on my skin
But it's not the right time and it'll never be the right time, will it?
It might never be the right time and that's the hardest part of it

I keep you in my mind even though you've gone
Holding on to nothing's easier than letting go
Stuck in the memory of what has been
Just please don't love another like you loved me
Time doesn't heal, it just leaves me asking why

I'd give anything just to be with you again but it's not the right time
And I'd give anything just to feel you on my skin
But it's not the right time and it'll never be the right time, will it?
It might never be the right time and that's the hardest part of it

And I don't know why I feel this way
If I could, I'd change, believe me
And I know that you feel the same, is it too late for saving?
Oh, here I go again

I'd give anything just to be with you again but it's not the right time
And I'd give anything just to feel you on my skin
But it's not the right time and it'll never be the right time, will it?
It might never be the right time and that's the hardest part of it