via komputer riba

ahhh, it has been a while i update my blog thru my laptop. I miss those days when i depend so much on my laptop to go on social networks such as facebook and twitter. Now, my laptop is currently being used by my dad. Going through all my pictures and videos that i kept inside my laptop made me realized of how older i'm getting. My life has changed a lot. It seems funny looking back at my past. My pasts were funny as hell! All my exes, my friends, and even some of them turned into enemies, people i know became someone i knew. I found myself laughing about all the things that had happen.

My air-conditioner is going crazy right now. The little light on the machine is blinking and my room temperature is getting hotter. Here i am, lying on my bed, accompanied with one of my favorite slow songs 'Almost Is Never Enough' by Ariana Grande ft Nathan Sykes. The modern version of Mariah Carey and Boyz II Men. Nothing feels better than being in my comfort zone where there's nothing to worry about. Oh except my trashy living room. Mom's gonna kill me the next morning. Hmm. My thoughts tonight are, how do i say, safe. I'm not in my melancholic mood tonight. More to, i love my bed and the weather tonight. I can never get a good sleep though. Its this insomnia thing i had since my last semester. All the late stay up till the sun rise, still intact.

Maybe i should start looking for a job soon. Goodnight.

Permainan Syaitan.

Mimpi.

Aku rasa dreamcatcher yang aku buat semalam mcm, menjadi. Tak tahu lah. Tapi malam td, aku mimpi. Tak tahu lah nk kata mimpi indah atau buruk. Aku mimpi. Dan dia ada. Elok aku punya ingatan tentang dia hampir luput, dia datang balik.

The dream.
I was playing around with two cute babies. And i sort of said that i wish those babies were mine.
And then,
He showed up.
He said something like those babies are our babies.
I told him to stay away from me
But he kept telling me the babies are ours.
He even wrote it on a paper.
I can't recall every pieces of the dream.
It was blurry.
But his face was crystal clear.

Mimpi kan? Permainan syaitan. Aku harap...

"Mimpi hanya mimpi. Takkan jadi realiti..."

Night Owl.

Masih berjaga dgn nota cost control.
Baca dan baca dan baca dan baca.
Apa yang aku baca aku pon tak tahu. Dr td pening lagi. Nak tawakal pon aku taknak masuk dewan melenggang. Tak sanggup.

"Ya Allah, permudahkanlah segala urusanku esok. Bukalah seluas2nya pintu ilmu untukku."

Focus dah lari. Fikir nak balik jea. Nak kerja, nk carik duit, nk shopping. Otak dkt situ jea. Cost control nh, aduhai... tak tahu lahh. Takpelah. Teruskan membaca sampai pagi esok. Doa yang terbaik.

Goodnight.

Gula dan garam.

Dah 3 tahun kita menetap dkt hutan sabak nh. Mcm2 dugaan dan kisah kita simpan. Mcm2 aktiviti dan jalan dah kita lalui. Sg apong, teluk rhu, bno, tanah lesen, parit baru, pekan cowboy, sg besar, pekan sabak. Habis satu sabak kita jelajah. Dah 3 tahun aku belajar dkt Politeknik Sultan Idris Shah nh, seriously and honestly say, aku rasa beruntung gila tercampak dkt hutan nh. Social life aku pon tak terlalu hebat sbb hutan kan? So takde ape. Tp i have my friends. Bukan sekadar kawan biasa yg jumpa2 jea, "eh hi!". Nh yg kawan jenis, "tasha! Kau free tak? Lpk jom. Ade story.", "tasha, saya ada masalah. Nk kongsi dgn awak","weh tasha, kau dgn sape skrg?" "Tasha, jom makan. Kite belanja". Yeah, those kind of friends yg aku simpan. Time die ade masalah, die cerita dkt kite. Time kite ade masalah, die sudi pinjamkan telinga. Yg sentiasa doakan kesejahteraan kawan2. Ha giteww. Tp bila dah nak habis belajar nh, aku sedar jugak ramai yg dah mula tunjuk belang masing2. Malas lah nk ckp. Kang panjang lagi ceritanyeww. Tp alhamdulillah, Allah temukan aku masa sem1 dgn sahabat yg aku akan jaga sampai aku mati. Roomate aku time sem1. Walaupon skrg masing2 dah duduk rumah sewa lain2 tp masih rajin dtg jemput aku dgn kina pegi jalan2 luangkan masa bersama. Jah, kina dan dhilah. I am definitely going to miss you guys a lot after this. Jah, jaga lah diri elok2. Jgn carik penyakit. Dhilah, focus more on yourself than thinking about love. You are the only person that you need to pursue a better future and kina, if you love cooking, then go for it. Kalau dah ade motivation nak kurus, usaha kan. Mungkin aku pon ade bnde yg aku kne igtkan diri aku sendiri jugak. Tuhlah sbb adenye korg. Kalau takde korg, mungkin aku dah berhenti belajar, kot? Haha.

Anyways, thanks for the memories. A very good 3 years indeed.

Disappearance.

Since everything had broken into little tiny micro pieces, the wind decided to just blow it away just to make sure i won't pick up those pieces back and put them back together again. But too bad, the wind is blowing those dust all over my face.

Its pretty hard. I mean, its not that it hasn't been this hard before. Maybe i need some more time to let all the memories slip away. Even hearing the word 'Starbucks' or 'stars' or 'cockroach', then all of the things we used to do or say, it replays again inside my head.

Dont ask me. I dont even know why am i so attached to you. You gave me like 20% effort but i'm still hanging on as if you gave me so much or too much to cherish. Maybe i just miss all the memories as much as i miss you. Even if i'm no longer talking to you or even looking at you in the eyes, i still feel like it was just yesterday i last talked to you. But no. That was 4months ago.

Now, after all the blurred things has become so clear to you, you've vanished completely. You are out of sight. It was never in my thoughts of pushing you away after what you did. I was trying to make you see how hard this is for me to completely not being myself and tell you how much you mean to me. I was never in my own state when i tried to make you see that behind those smiles you shared with that someone whom you should know that she belongs to someone else, that was all less than what i can provide.

I just hope one day, just one fine day, you'll find your way back to me. Although i might act like i'm no longer interested, but believe me, with all my heart, i will never let you disappear again. I'm still here. Keeping your seat empty.

I miss you, F.

Tak larat.

Nak taknak kena jugak.
Biar bengkak mata
Biar tak cukup tidur
Aku buat nh sume utk kau
Utk kau juga
Janji dgn aku
Yang kau takkan hampakan aku

Boleh eh Law? Aku dah tak larat nak hadap kau lagi nh.

Sembang karma?

Cukuplah org dah pijak aku, tikam blkng aku, guna2kan aku selama hari. Bila aku buat baik, nh lah die. Bila aku buat taik sikit, terus judge aku. Ckplah aku nh bitch lah liar lah kasar lah ape lah. Aku biar lah org nk ckp mcm tuh dkt aku. Org2 tuh tak knl aku. Aku takde masalah langsung doh kalau org buat baik dgn aku. Aku buat baik balik. Tp bila org dah layan aku mcm shit, kau expect aku still senyum dan biar kau layan aku mcm shit habis2an? Kau silap lah john. Aku dah muak dgn sisa2 karma aku dr zaman dulu disebabkan kesalahan org lain.

"Aku buat baik dgn org, org baling taik dkt aku, karma sampai dkt aku dulu."

Tp takpelah. Allah itu maha adil. Bukan nak sembang agama pulak, tp we all know life is fair. Sesusah2nye hidup atas dunia nh, bila org yg campak kite kebawah untuk berada diatas, bila kite usaha utk capai keatas, org tuh jugak yg akan mintak pertolongan kite. Time tuh lah die akan igt pepatah melayu bujang,

"Baru kau tahu langit tuh tinggi ke rendah."

Aku dah serik kne game dgn org. Setiap kali aku cuba lari dari org2 mcm nh, die akan dtg balik. Aku anggap ini sbg lagi satu ujian utk aku. Cuma aku slalu igtkan diri aku sendiri utk stay strong and have faith on myself.

Silap langkah.

Good job tasha. Good job well done.
Kau slalu take the wrong step tasha.

Aku dah tahu yg bnde takkan berlaku tp aku nk jugak percaya yg satu hari nty aku punye pemikiran nh betul. Aku nak jugak fikir yg satu hari nty peluang tuh akan dtg balik. Aku salah. Serious.

I dont know where this would drag me to but right now, okay, decision has been done. This time, its final. What i am feeling right now is stupidity. Wait. Its beyond that! Why tasha why. Why did you plan on staying with him when all this time you know chances aren't for everybody. He took you for granted lah siaa. He played with your heart then he ignored you as if you didnt even exist in this world. Isnt that obvious enough tasha??!! What do you expect? After you get back home he would go knocking on your front house, on his knees begging for forgiveness and a hand in marriage?? There. Laugh at your own face tasha.

I know i was wrong in the beginning. But the reason why i stayed was because i have my beliefs. And i trusted my instincts since that my instincts were always accurate. I didnt see this coming, really. Im really sorry dear self. I put myself on too much pressure. And now i realized that beautiful things wont happen to someone like me. Maybe, there was never a reason for me to stay at all. I was hallucinating of an event that was never ever going to be, real. Thats okay. I wish i had someone that could lend me shoulders or a pair of ears or maybe just someone to hold but that one believe i had from the first day i knew love is, my strength. If it wouldnt have been for my strength, i wouldn't be here cheering myself to keep on with life. Altho it may seemed like im talking to myself, well apparently i sounded more convincing than anyone else.

Keep smiling Tasha. You know how much the people around you loves that. Especially the ones that brought you down :)

#throwback

So last Saturday on the 5th of October, me kina and bella decided to run off somewhere to release our tense from all these hectic lives in Sabak Bernam. So si bella decided to head down to Kuala Lumpur for Tempatan Fest 3.0 at Jalan Kia Peng.

So basically Tempatan Fest is a local event that promotes all the things on local clothing brand such as Rare, Pieces, Legit, Projek Rabak and many more. Plus with local bands yang baru nak menaik will perform on that day to promote themselves. Well frankly to say, Tempatan Fest 3.0 that was held that day doesn't seem to match my expectations. The location was too tight. Maybe they only rent small size lots just good enough to fit all the tents. The passage in between the tents were really narrow, i mean for someone that is short like me, i can't barely breathe inside the tall crowd.

And then, bila dah sampai sana baru teringat yang aku ada kawan yg berkecimpung dalam scene nh. Pusing2 carik booth dorg, jumpa jugak setelah hampir 9tahun tak jumpa. Alhamdulillah dorg cam muka aku. Haha. So my friend, Ariffin Ramlee happens to be the Chieftain of Legit brand and Iyzie James is the investor for Legit brand. Dua2 nh classmate aku time darjah 5-6 masa dkt sek sec13, Shah Alam. Borak2, beli jugak aku satu baju dorg sbg tanda support. And aku dpt byk sticker free and also lighter Legit edition free. Haha seems legit right? And dpt jugak bergambar bersama mereka. Hihi

So habis pasal tempatan natang tuh. Malam tuh, aku kina dan bella teruskan perjalanan utk ke Jalan Tar sbb bella nk shopping tudung. Pusing punye pusing sampai sesat tp sampai jugak. Dah dpt tudung die tibe2 die ckp ade 'kwn' die ajak makan mlm. 'Kawan' die nak belanja. Org kata tak elok tolak rezeki so we proceed lah dgn makan malam berbelanja tuh. Aku punye lah igt makan mcd kea mamak kea, skali die bwk g makan dkt kedai pak2 arab. Al-Diafah kot nama kedai tuh. Damn. Aku terus mcm, jatuh weyh self-esteem aku! Aku bukan suka sgt org blnje mahal2 nh. Tp tuhlah kan, rezeki. So makan2 then pulanglah kami ke Sabak semula pada jam 10 lebih malam.

So stress sume dah lepaskan dah. Assignment pon byk yg dah settle. Alhamdulillah. Minggu dpn cuti seminggu dan goodluck me for final exam. Yay! So itu jelah for today. Bye!

Rain.

"Every drop,
Wash all my sorrow.
The breeze,
Puts me in serenity.
The sound,
Takes me on a wonderful dream."

Dah lama jugak tanah sabak bernam nh tak hujan. Bila dah hujan rasa sejuk jea. Tenang jiwa buat sementara. Selamat malam, cinta.

Kenapa eh?

Everytime i feel like moving on, i just can't. I would make myself stay in this unwanted condition.

Aku tahu yang dia takkan kembali, tapi kenapa perasaan aku masih taknak pergi?

Masih berharap?
Seperti dulu?
Ada harapan ke kali ini kisahnya tak seperti dahulu?
Mungkin perkara sama akan berlaku?

Siapa tahu.

Selamat.

Rasa mcm awkward gila bila dah lama tak update blog. Hihik.

Hi everyone! How you guys doin? So disebabkan dah lama sgt skip cerita pasal hidup aku, so i'll tell you the short review of what happened back then :

• First, on my fifth semester i got 3.33. Tak dekan.
• Then, masa cuti semester aku buat keje part time dkt this restaurant called Scrummy dkt SpaceU8.
• Dalam pertengahan bulan5, aku break dgn ex aku yg Sabah tuh, Nazri setelah 7bulan bercinta.
• Then, aku start rapat dgn sorg lelaki nama Fendi yg merupakan seorang head chef dkt Scrummy.
• Bila aku dah nak habis keje dalam hujung bulan6, aku knl seorang perempuan nama Ika yang merupakan seorang pekerja part time baru di Scrummy.
• Lepas aku dah masuk balik poli untuk semester yang terakhir, aku dgn kawan baik aku, Eqa yang sebelum nh bergaduh selama beberapa bulan sudah berbaik semula.
• On the 21st of July, aku sewa kereta dari Sabak utk ke Shah Alam atas niat nak buat birthday suprise utk Fendi sbb birthday die on the 22nd of July. Bawak guitar sbb dah buat lagu utk die but instead of staying and listen to my song, he decided to go back home and left me at Scrummy looking like a total idiot.
• Selepas beberapa minggu aku dkt poli, aku dgn Fendi semakin menjauh dan last2 tidak bertegur langsung. Sampai skrg.
• Selepas beberapa siasatan yang telah dijalani, didapati Fendi dgn Ika ada sorok something dari aku.
• Sekarang, aku dgn Ika bukan lagi kawan sbb die tahu aku suka dkt Fendi tp belakang2 dorg keluar sama2.
•  Berapa minggu lepas, group Final Year Project aku telah berjaya menghasilkan snack innovation iaitu 'Corn Silk Cookies'. Biskut enak yang dihasilkan dgn menggunakan bulu jagung.
• Selepas settle dgn fyp, proceed dgn Bazar Niaga Siswa. Ada sedikit komplikas during the process and operation of the bazar. Masalah grouping. Dah settle. Posmotem telah dilakukan tapi harap maklong, kemaafan saya sangat mahal untuk diberi kepada org yg tak reti menghargai.

Now? Haha tinggal lagi seminggu jea. Lepas seminggu, dah final exam. Sikit lagi jea sha. Lepasnh, terlepas lah kau daripada dibelenggu oleh orang2 di Sabak Bernam nh. All the stress and headache will be over. Not till long. Aku kne sambung degree kann. But for now, i'm going to finish what i started. Keep moving forward. Mimpi nak beli kasut byk2 lah, almari kasut lah apelah. Kannnn?? Hmm. Insya Allah segala urusan akan dijalankan dgn lancar. Nak give up pon dah terlambat. Aku dah nak sampai penghujung. Weyhh penat gak ah kalau nak update blog pakai phone. Ergh. Kay tuh jelah. Bye