Sometimes, too strong...

This is what I would totally say to you...

" Sometimes, I acted all strong is because I have my reasons. I just can't take another heartbreak to deal with. I tried and tried to let you in. But the fact that I was so scared, I decided to just push you away. Here's the twist. 'I had feelings'. I've realized that I'm pushing away the people I like. Although roughly I've only known you for a few weeks, I got attached to the idea of keeping you because it's so much fun and interesting knowing that there's still someone out there who's willing to ring me when I'm sleeping, compliment my sleepy voice, appreciating my morning texts, wanting to know how special they are to me, wanting to spend time with me, telling me ' text me when you get home', reminding how capable I am of something, calm me down through hard situations and even treat me like I'm apart of you when we're sitting among your friends. After all, I'm a human too. Plus the fact that I am genuinely a girl. I have feelings. Despite of my act, trying to be all cool and heartless and stuff like that, inside, I'm just an abandoned home. No one to re-decorate, no one to live in. Just passers-by. No permanent guest. At one time, I would love to meet a person who would take a second to talk to me when I'm down, and when I'm about to leave, he would grab my hand and tell me, 'hold on. We're going to work this. Just don't give up on me yet'. But I guess, I'm still the only one who is foolish enough to do all of that for someone. Pleasing you, trying to win your heart and I had to be so strong when all of my effort seems wasted. In the end, being strong is the only choice I have. Putting on my fake smiles is like wearing make-up every time I go out. And by the time I reached home, I'll wash away all my smiles. Whats left of it, is just the lonely me. I was so eager to show you how much I can appreciate your existence. Eventually, I'm still not good enough to do so. I'd almost believe that you could be the best 'partner-in-crime', but I end up killing my own partner. And I'm sorry that I haven't done my best to stay. Well look on the bright side, at least someone better for you will come along. Unlike me, I still have many to catch up with since that relationship skills and those related to it are not in my resume. The best in life will arrive one day. I don't deserve you. You deserve better than this. Thank you for deciding to leave. It made me realize how lacking I am. 

And when there's no other way than to keep on moving, the best is just to keep looking forward and to not look back. It might never be the right time. And that's the hardest part of it."



I did it again.
Fooled myself.
With thoughts of
    I can win you back,
I realized.

This is all bullshit.